tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4137229307000660233.post2883529776106282145..comments2023-05-12T02:43:54.466-07:00Comments on A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense: Reunion. My Thoughts. Part OneAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04552918781072146852noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4137229307000660233.post-36097342156001712582008-07-30T13:07:00.000-07:002008-07-30T13:07:00.000-07:00Never, ever have I expected my sons to be grateful...Never, ever have I expected my sons to be grateful they were abused, neglected and as such lost their family, sat in foster care for 3 years and then were adopted to a different country and family. <BR/><BR/>We have spent years processing their grief, finding counsellors who knew what they were talking about, being resources and sounding boards for our kids. <BR/><BR/>But that also doesn't mean they dont have the right to be happy in their new family. To attach. To bond. To be grateful that they have opportunities to heal, to break the cycle of addiction, abuse, poverty, lack of education and crime that surrounds their first family. <BR/><BR/>I dont expect my sons to fully understand what they LOST by being adopted anymore than I expect them to understand what they GAINED by being removed from their first family until they are well into adulthood, and parents themselves. Its not a black and white scenario. Its simply not. <BR/><BR/>But we never deny them their truth. Life is a series of gains and losses. Bumps, curves and turns. It is not their fault they were in foster care. It is not my fault they were adopted. Its just our job to make the best of what would be considered a pretty crappy start in life.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04552918781072146852noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4137229307000660233.post-15135650885391675442008-07-30T12:23:00.000-07:002008-07-30T12:23:00.000-07:00"Adoptees in their youth find it difficult to grie..."Adoptees in their youth find it difficult to grieve their losses, although they are in many instances aware of them, even as young children. Youngsters removed from abusive homes are expected to feel only relief and gratitude, not loss and grief. Adults block children's expressions of pain or attempt to divert them. In addition, due to developmental unfolding of cognitive processes, adoptees do not fully appreciate the total impact of their losses into their adolescence or, for many, into adulthood. This delayed grief may lead to depression or acting out through substance abuse or aggressive behaviors."<BR/><BR/>From Lifelong Issues in Adoption Silverstain and KaplanAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4137229307000660233.post-80712020626547140752008-07-29T16:34:00.000-07:002008-07-29T16:34:00.000-07:00"The differences in Sr's sense of responsibility f..."The differences in Sr's sense of responsibility for what happened and his willingness to face that? Lisa's complete lack of recall of that time and her part in it? Her own attachment issues based on her childhood?"<BR/><BR/>I think that's it in a nutshell.<BR/><BR/>More on the attachment issues later, but if there's RAD present, that changes things quite a bit too. If that's the case, Greg needs to understand the emotional state, and how to manage relationships within that state.<BR/><BR/>Best, hang in.<BR/><BR/>ReginaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4137229307000660233.post-52242329764622673032008-07-29T11:16:00.000-07:002008-07-29T11:16:00.000-07:00It is certainly so interesting to watch it happen....It is certainly so interesting to watch it happen. There WAS a vast difference between our experiences with the two sides of the family. I dont know if it has to do with the differences between mothers and fathers and their attachment to their kids? <BR/><BR/>The differences in Sr's sense of responsibility for what happened and his willingness to face that? Lisa's complete lack of recall of that time and her part in it? Her own attachment issues based on her childhood?<BR/><BR/>But you are right. All I can do is try to help them but ultimately they are NOT my responsibility. They can either choose to learn for the sake of a relationship with the kids, or they can choose to not learn and sacrifice that. <BR/><BR/>I am so glad that Eric knew it wasnt the right time for him.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04552918781072146852noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4137229307000660233.post-79972172357552418782008-07-29T11:01:00.000-07:002008-07-29T11:01:00.000-07:00I think we all see what we want to see at times - ...I think we all see what we want to see at times - I look in the mirror and I swear I don't see those wrinkles at the corners of my eyes that the camera keeps putting on in pictures. It's that delusion taken to the Nth degree, and it's likely enmeshed in the value system and/or beliefs within their life. <BR/><BR/>Being confronted so directly with an alternate truth creates a sense of huge loss, of questioning. Anger is a secondary emotion, stemming always from loss. L lost the reality of having a son pining away for her, helpless as she was when he was (no doubt) completely unjustly and unfairly taken from her by those who had it 'in for her' (a guess). <BR/><BR/>Right now, there's nothing to be done for her. She has to decide what she'll do with that alternate reality. For Greg, you can be what you've been for so long already - a sounding board, a well of support, an anchor as he confronts the truth of his family of origin and absorbs what meaning about himself he takes from that. <BR/><BR/>How will he negotiate relationships with siblings who come from different worlds? How will he find and forge a common ground with those whom he shares blood with? Can he? He desperately wants to, and I expect they do too. Those are the relationships I think that count most, because they are among the innocents here. How will he reconcile or arrange relationships with them but not in the same way with their mother? It's tough stuff, but in the end I suspect like fired forged metal, he'll come out stronger. <BR/><BR/>Just remember, it will be all OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's just not the end. My father always said you have 13 years to raise a child - 6 to build their world and 6 to show them how to live in that world. After that you can create no more, only hope that the values and beliefs you've instilled in those 13 years stick, your role morphing from guiding to influencing to coaching. <BR/><BR/>Hang in.<BR/><BR/>ReginaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4137229307000660233.post-80947525900990376882008-07-29T09:30:00.000-07:002008-07-29T09:30:00.000-07:00Thanks Regina. Its so hard and I dont know what t...Thanks Regina. Its so hard and I dont know what to do, but I do know my kids and if they keep this up ( they are going to lose any chance of relationship with the boys. I have tried gentle, I have tried direct, I have tried and tried.<BR/><BR/>They just dont want to see it. And seeing it in the form of Greg made them sad. But also MAD at Greg. So strange. I just dont get that mindset.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04552918781072146852noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4137229307000660233.post-86389256495773491262008-07-29T08:15:00.000-07:002008-07-29T08:15:00.000-07:00I think your introspection is valuable to both you...I think your introspection is valuable to both yourself and to the community at large. You've made some good points here.<BR/><BR/>It's also important, though, to examine the differences between how the families here coped with the removal of their children and understand that while your words *may* have made a difference, they in all likilhood may not have. Sometimes when one lives in a fantasy world they won't leave no matter what you do. <BR/><BR/>Sr. and his family took one path - I want to learn everything I can, deal with this unplanned but very real reality, and be a part of it. L and her family took another - I won't deal with reality, instead I will imagine that my sons are pining away for their 'real' mom and will desperately want to come back to me and tell that 'fake' family to take a hike. <BR/><BR/>When one's living in their own reality, being confronted with someone else's can be shocking and painful. Sometimes that leads to growth. Sadly, many times it does not, especially when other's reality is so discordant. Instead of accepting, they push back harder, there may even be accusations of 'brainwashing' and denials of any responsibility in being where they are.<BR/><BR/>They may lose G in the backwash, in the hubris of denial as it were. That sucks and it doesn't, because either way G comes out with an understanding of himself that he would not have had he not made this journey. <BR/><BR/>There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Even the bad things. <BR/><BR/>Now just watch to make sure Greg doesn't internalize or take too much responsibility for things not going harmoniously. He has the right to his feelings and he has the right to demand safety and security in his life. They are not victims. He is, was, the only true innocent. It's not his fault if they live in la-la land. Heck, their living in la-la land is probably a significant reason why he and his brother were removed in the first place. <BR/><BR/>Rambling. Thanks for putting this out there. Hang in. ReginaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4137229307000660233.post-76829088055645643092008-07-29T07:54:00.000-07:002008-07-29T07:54:00.000-07:00I know exactly what you are saying about being lik...I know exactly what you are saying about being liked. I said the same things to my DH this weekend before we headed to see the kids' family. I feel like it is my responsibility to educate them, make things go smoothly, make the relationship, and set the boundaries. It is ALL up to me and I want to be liked. They are the ones that lost the kids and I gained so much. I am very good at setting the boundaries and being blunt about things but it has taken years to learn to walk that fine line. I wish their family would learn about adoption issues but they are not interested and most do not read. <BR/><BR/>I think you did a great job. It couldn't have been perfect no matter what you did. This whole adoptive/birth family relationship thing is difficult. I agree with looking back to see what you can do differently b/c we should learn from everything we do but don't beat yourself up. You can't control their reactions.Tuduhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02905378586653219136noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4137229307000660233.post-75859890294192043102008-07-28T09:44:00.000-07:002008-07-28T09:44:00.000-07:00I was going to save my reply for our msn convo, bu...I was going to save my reply for our msn convo, but decided to post it here instead...<BR/><BR/>Jen, what you have helped G and will eventually help E through (although, he's luckier, he'll get to do it the "righter" way, since you've learned what to/not to do)<BR/>was totally selfless of you and empowering to G and we should all be so blessed to have the... ahem, 'balls' that you so obviously have! LOL!<BR/><BR/>I must admit, I am feeling rather envious of your ability to turn off your feelings of anger and defense toward L and G sr. (although he makes it easier, since he's so pro your family) and the rest of the bio family involved who have contributed to G's discomfort now. <BR/><BR/>When it comes time for my kids to search out their mom, will I have what it takes to support them without judgement on their biomom, knowing all the pain she's caused them? I suppose, like you, I will have to cowboy up and make the kids' decisions to meet/contact their bm be the best they can be. Knowing now, how better to do that, thanks to you sharing your story of shoulda, coulda, woulda's will certainly make it easier. <BR/><BR/>Thanks Jen, for sharing this and for ALL the support you give my family (ME) every single day, from the morning coffee's going over daily difficulties again and again, to the advice, books, blogs, links, recommendations and free babysitting (sanity breaks) you continue to come up with, even among your daily difficulties, small victories and busy-ness! You truly ROCK, as the kids would say and I love you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com