It is easy to understand people who don’t love with all their hearts, because
the more you love the more you open yourself up to pain.
I hold my babies. I rock them. I cuddle them. I snuggle and kiss. I carry them in a sling. We dance together and laugh. We stare into each others' eyes. I teach them how to trust me; How to love me. I want them to know the world is a safe and wonderful place where someone who thinks you are the most amazing creature on earth will catch you when you fall, wipe your tears away and make sure you are safe and loved and warm and safe every single day of your life. I want them to feel how very, very deeply they are loved and valued and what an incredible blessing they are.
They need to attach to me, their primary caregiver, in order to become emotionally healthy children and then women and mothers themselves. And in that process, I also attach to them. They are my girls, and I love them. And now, over the last two months it has become apparent they also love me.
My actions promise them I will be here forever. My actions promise them their world is a safe place where everyone important to them will treat them well. My actions promise them I am here for them. My actions show them we are a family.
My actions lie. My heart breaks. Already.
How many children can one mother lose before she doesn't feel anymore? How many mothers can a child lose before the damage cannot be undone?
God forbid anyone imply that my love for the girls is any less because they are "foster kids". I am incapable of such distinction. Originally they were coming for 'the summer', now we realize that it will be longer, but God only knows how long. They could go home tomorrow and it wouldn't affect how much I love them. I want to protect my heart but the battle is long ago lost. They will be forever the daughters of my heart. It is what they need. They are NOT "just foster kids" they are MY babies and I will love them as they deserve, as I love my sons, all four.
Someone needs to be here to pick up the pieces of my heart when they go.