Miss Tiny, Miss Precious and I hanging out on the living room floor.
When Tiny and Curious arrived in May I was till in the throes of surgical recovery and rather heavily drugged. I know, through looking back at photos, the startling changes that have occurred in the girls through these last 5 months, but at the time I think I was simply too overwhelmed and too shocked that I actually HAD them to even be fully aware. Thick and shiny hair. Bright eyes and beautiful smiles. Attached and happy.
With Miss Precious, the changes in even two weeks are mind blowing. Her eyes aren't sunk in anymore, her skin isn't sagging. She smiles and kisses and reaches for me. This child WANTS to live. She wants to attach and thrive and grow and heal. She can almost sit up, and has learned how to eat solid food. Normal milestones for most babies, but shocking that at almost 10 months old she is just learning now.
This job, or life, is HARD. Yesterday I had 8 kids here, two sick with the swine flu and 3 sick with normal colds. Miss Precious spent the night, relegated to a playpen in the master bathroom. By eight o'clock last night I was exhausted, cranky and "touched out". Miss Tiny woke up at 3 am and would only sleep if she was on top of me. And then there was hockey practice at 5:30 am. Morning starts again with another son sick with the flu, Miss Precious older foster sister arriving for the day, and my own kids to cuddle and love. It's hard. But in the smile of a baby who has never before known love? That is worth it.
Yesterday Shel printed out a quote in jumbo type and laid it on my computer for me to see, "NOTHING YOU DO FOR CHILDREN IS EVER WASTED." I struggle with the reality that these kids, MY kids, may never remember me, may never know the love I had for them or how I will carry them through my entire life as "my girls". Does it even matter if they are safe, loved and thriving now if they are returned to a life of chaos? Will it ever matter that they had these months of love and safety?
I have to believe it will. I just have to believe this matters.