Tuesday, August 17, 2010

All Things Horrible

This is a post that has taken me too long to write because saying it "out loud" makes it real. 

My father was cancer free for less than six months. 

After chemo and surgery and a miracle that gave us time, it is back.  The cancer is back.

It is harder this time.  Last time I had the merciful gift of shock and disbelief and then we all went to the mountain top of hope.  And now we have crashed back to the cavernous gully of reality. 

I love my dad.  My incredible, amazing, kind, funny, grouchy, hard working  and overly protective dad who adores my children maybe even more than he adores me, and that makes me happier than I ever thought possible.    My ever hopeful dad who has faced the idea of another round of chemo, then hopefully surgery and radiation, with a strength I cannot comprehend.  He wants to live and he will do what it takes to live as long as possible. 

And I want him to live.  I need him to live. 

Cancer doesn't care and it is never, ever fair.  It doesn't care that my son desperately wants his Papa to see him play hockey for a "Big" team because it is his Papa that is his biggest fan.  It doesn't care that my girls are too little to remember their Papa and they need a grandpa doting on them for many more years.  It doesn't care that my dad's parents are still alive and that means I should have him for many more years just like he gets his parents.  It doesn't care that I really, really love my dad or that he is a really, really great guy. 

This is a journey I do not want to be on and yet  I do not want you to be on it either.  And that is the problem isn't it?  None of us deserve this, or maybe in fact all of us do and its the random way it strikes or avoids that feels so unfair.  If I wish this away, am I wishing in onto another family?  Another dad and another daughter who looks like a woman but feels like a little girl who just needs her daddy?

The fight starts again today and once again my heart is being held by a monster called cancer.

18 comments:

FireMom said...

Oh, Jen. Crying with/for you all. We'll be keeping him/all of you in our thoughts and prayers.

Regina said...

Oh Jen right there standing with you, fighting this mosquito-bite-from-hell with my Dad, thankful for your friendship and holding you in my heart.

HollyMarie said...

So sorry Jen! I'll be joining you and others in prayer for your dad.

Fatcat said...

I'm very sorry you have to go through this. Again.

Tricia said...

I am so sorry!! I lost my dad in May to this monster cancer, I am a total Daddy's girl so I know what you are feeling. My prayers are with you

My name is Andy. said...

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

zabe77 said...

I'm so sorry. This monster has touched my family too and it's horrible. My thoughts are with you and your family, I hope he will be in remission again soon.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry, Jen. I'll be praying for you and your family.

vtsga2@yahoo.com said...

I know how he feels. My cancer has come back after 12 years. I will be sure he is on our prayer list at church right before me. Keep praying ! It works!

Coco said...

Thinking of all of you, and your dad, Jen.

urbanadventurertales said...

I know the roller coaster all too well. For my dad it was a vascular disease... that gave us fear, then hope, then fear, then hope... and eventually took Him home. Praying for all your hearts to be comforted during this scary and turbulant time.

Di said...

I am so so sorry. Keeping you in my heart and prayers. Once again, if there is ANYTHING we can do, please do not hesitate to call. ANYTIME - This is so not fair- makes me mad, makes my heart ache and the tears roll. Love you!

J. said...

I can't even imagine, hang in there.

J. said...

I can't even imagine, hang in there.

Anonymous said...

So very sorry Jen. Praying for another miracle. (((hugs)))
Maria (TDKOL)

Jensboys said...

Thank you ALL for your comments (published and unpublished). Keep my dad in your prayers - this round is making him sicker than the last.

wvamom said...

I am so sorry-this just stinks. I lost my dad to cancer 15 years ago, after a 3 month battle. I hated losing him-he never got to meet our youngest two children or my brother's six children. I miss him every day. Praying for you. Carolyn

ManyBlessings said...

Dang. :( So sorry. Fight hard dad!