Monday, December 6, 2010

A Single Moment

It was a hot, dusty afternoon.  I had loaded up my six kids into the van with a firm reprimand to the teenagers that I "EXPECTED" them to have fun.  My husband was off working for the day, and our community was celebrating in fine, small town summer fashion. 

The carnival was here  and so was the rodeo. There was a park full of musicians and children's performers.  We parked.  I loaded the babies into the little red wagon I tend to prefer over my cumbersome double stroller and we seven, together, walked into the crowd of people. 

"Look!" The urgent tone in my son's voice made me pause and follow the line of his finger. 

"That's HER?  Right?  Right?!?"  

And it was.  Now four and a half years old and not the toddler he remembered but the still same little girl that was their sister for a precious year.  We all stopped and stared. 

We didn't approach her.  I would never approach her.  But we stared. 

"Look how long her hair is!"
"Wow, she is big!"
"I miss her mommy"
"She is so, so precious"

And then  "Why is she by herself mom?"

The longer we watched, the more it became apparent that she was alone.  And scared.  And lost.   Her look changed from playful, to fearful, to terrified.  Seconds, and then minutes passed.  And tears began to fill her eyes as she scanned the large crowd of people looking for a familiar face. 

As did I. 

Where was She that took her from me?  Where was the one responsible for her?  Why is MY BABY alone in this crowd of people?  Why was she scared and crying and feeling alone? 

Oh God what are you doing to me.

I called her name. The name etched on my heart for eternity.  I am not even sure I meant to, but there was something in me that could not let her stand right there in front of me, mere yards away, and suffer.

For the first time in three years I called out her name in a tone and voice that once meant Mama to her.  And she turned instantly and ran the thirty feet across a dusty parking lot and without once looking at my face she wrapped herself around my legs. 

"I was lost" she sobbed, "I couldn't find anyone". 

She pulled back from my legs and looked at me.  Calmer now, but utterly confused she realized she didn't recognize me, yet had ran to me because she thought she had. 

She knew my voice, she didn't know my face.

On my knees,  I wrapped my arms around and her and promised her it would be OK.  Encircled by my standing sons who just simply stared in awe at what was happening,  I told her my name was Jen.  That once, a long long time ago I was a special friend and that I would help her find that who she was searching for. 

"I was really scared" she said, tears still streaming down her face. 

I have begged God.  Begged.  Just one more hug.  Please God I need one more chance to tell her I love her.  I need to feel her weight in my arms just one more time.  I need that chance to whisper to her that I will never, ever forget.  Just.One.More.Moment. Please, God. Please.

Now?  Here?  Oh God I cannot do this.  I cannot believe this is happening.  Please let me remember this.  Let me savor every single second.  This is going to end.  Oh God this is going to end too soon.

With instructions to my sons to keep looking for the missing grownup, I took my finger and tucked her hair behind her ear, and took my sleeve and wiped the dusty tears from her face.

"When you were a little, tiny baby and were feeling sad or scared I would sing you this song and it would make you smile"

And there, on that dusty, packed dirt parking lot, surrounded by 1000s of people bustling around to enjoy the celebrations of the day oblivious to a mother's broken heart,  the cry of that heart was heard as she sang a lullaby to big girl sitting on her lap. 

Tanner came back, having spotted who we were all looking for, oblivious to the parking lot drama, sitting a fair distance away visiting with a friend. 

"I love you so much.  I never want you to forget that you are a loved and beautiful girl"

I stood her up.  I placed her hand in Tanner's and promised her that he was a big, safe boy who loved her very much too and he would take where she needed to go.

She walked off once again with a smile on her face, holding the hand of my son as he pointed her in the right direction and she scrambled off from a past she doesn't remember to happily reunite with her present.

And I cried.  A blessing I had begged for.  A curse that ripped off the scab of healing.
And it took me six months to be able to write about. 


Caryn said...

((((JEN)))) I was just getting on facebook to PM you about J & L. My heart is breaking over and over again. One precious, fleeting moment. No real words.

Andy said...

Jen, I sit here with tears streaming down my face.... I have no words.

Di said...

That one should have come with a warning. Love you all... What a precious few minutes, thank you for sharing your heart. Now have to go find the tissue! Hugs!

Danae Hudson said...

Thank you for your heart.

Regina said...

As you write her name, I hear her in my heart, daring it not to break. You are imprinted within her, as she is on you. Mama, it will make a difference in her life, even as her concious mind may not recall. Because her heart always will.

Holding you in my heart, my friend.

JC said...

(((((HUGS))))) What a moment. WOW. My heart lodged in my throat reading that, I am not sure I even took a breath. I am so sorry for your loss, and hers.

Heather said...

Oh, ((Jen)). I wish there were a way we could gather you in our arms and sing to you and make this all better.

Katrina said...

I am so sorry. My heart aches for you and her. I had a social worker call me a year after one of our little ones went home to schedule a visit with her at my house. I told him that she had gone back a year before and then asked if she was back in the system. He then started stumbling over his words and said, "Oh no, I just made a mistake because I am subing for someone on vacation." He then hung up real fast. About 6 months later I saw her grandmother at the store and she told me that she had gone back into the system again but that she now had custody of her. When I asked where the little girl was she said she was home with her mom (the one that she is not suppose to be with and keeps getting taken away from) Some how even though grandma had custody of her she didn't seem to get that the daughter should not be home alone watching her. I am not sure what I would do if I actually saw her again and she was only in our lives for one month. Big hugs to you for caring so much.

Kristin said...

.........Wow. God proves his existence when we least expect

Erica Renee said...

((((((JEN)))))) I can't believe that happened and I can totally understanding you keeping it to yourself. That was a deeply private moment. Thank You for sharing your heart with us.

Amanda said...

Oh, Jen. I don't know whether to say I'm glad or I'm sorry. Maybe both? Blessing and curse, indeed. I'm glad you had the rest of your family with you.

Kuchenmeister said...

As re-heartbreaking as it was, God DID give you that "once more". I'm sure it was hard not to put her in your van and drive away, hard to understand why she was being neglected, even for a moment, but God put you in her path once more to rescue her, even in a tiny way. I hope you can hold onto that. ♥

Unknown said...

Thanks everyone ... it is hard to see her and precious at the same time. It's one of those things that is so hard to understand unless you have lived it. I wouldn't wish the experience of loss like this on anyone. Ever.

Dawn said...

Oh Jen...oh wow...just bawling sitting here....

little things said...

we also have a little sister that we miss with all our hearts ..she left at 18 months but when she saw us at age 4 , she said Mama...Thanking God that you where there for her & she had a chance to feel your love for her again.
Hugs to you, Shari

Weird in edgewise said...

And once again, you got to be her angel. I'm so glad you called her name, for her and for you. Thank you so very much for sharing this incredible story of love with us.