Wednesday, June 27, 2012


Grief, that strange beast, never really lets you go.  I held my 11 year old this week as big tears slipped down his cheeks.  "I miss her" he says.  Five and a half years later, he cries for the baby that was his.  Tears triggered, I am certain, by his big brother leaving for a summer job and a hockey future.  It's there. Loss. Still.  I wonder if it will always be for him?  A burden he never needed, but he is altered forever because of it.  And he misses his brother now too.   

I lay sleepless in bed.  My heart is frozen in terror for a friend who has been told, after four and a half years of raising her babies since infancy, that because they are 1/16 and 1/32 a different race, the system has deemed her an unsuitable adoptive mother for them.  2 weeks notice.  Say good-bye and by the way, if you're too upset by this, they will be moved with no chance for last moments.  Because someone, somewhere thinks that this is the best plan.  You are good enough to raise them, just not good enough to be their mother.

I pound out letters of appeal and support.  I google names and addresses trying in vain to find a way to save this mother, and those children, from the pain of the journey I have been.  I scream at God about the insanity of a system that seems to make no sense.

Best interest?  BEST INTERESTS OF WHO?

It is trying to make sense of the senseless.  Find hope in the hopeless.  

But behind the fury is the loss.  It drives me. 

And I miss my son.  I am pretty sure kids shouldn't be allowed to grow up quite so fast. 


Andy said...

Oh, that sucks. The system sucks. My heart aches for children who will have their lives ripped apart by this.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to your family and her family. At least you know your son is coming back. I am so sorry she's going through this. The system needs to be changed, maybe future lawsuits will happen due to this.

Beth Murray said...

Must be Native American blood. So sorry, and as a long time foster/adoptive mom, I do know something of the pain. Is there any way she could quickly show some Native American ancestory? I know sometime it has to be the same tribe.

Unknown said...

The whole system can be so heartbreaking for everyone involved in it. I recently spoke with an elderly man who was in care as a child, and he expressed that kids today have it so much harder than he ever had, even with being in an orphanage and then foster care. He had an interesting story to share about how his childhood experience shaped his adult life:

lucrezaborgia said...

I saw your reply about DNA on I don't see any other way to contact you as I'm not a member there, but I want to thank you for taking the stand that DNA does matter. I'm currently stuck in limbo with my husband's case.

Custody was taken from the mother while she was hiding his daughter from him in another state. We've been to court and asked for placement and after over a year to get the homestudy and background checks we are told "not yet" and now they are attempting to TPR him because of best interest. The caseworker even testified in court that we had done everything. No services were mandated for us and no reasons were ever given as to why they would not place her with us until this best interest crap.

No one wants to listen to us about the loss his daughter will feel later in life. No one wants to listen to us when we say "what is she going to think when she finds out everyone kept her from her father?" No one wants to believe that she can attach to us with the right therapy and help. (We are several states away and both students, so we're quite poor and cannot visit often) She's happy now, so she'll forever be happy is their logic.

What a bunch of crap!

Anonymous said...

Please come back to blogging! I really miss your inspiring words.