The Mother Load of Issues

Mom. Mommy. Mama. Mother.

For some of us those are fairly loaded words.

This is not a post about adoption or the differences between various type of mothers. Its not about comparing or contrasting or dissecting the types of relationships.

Its simply about acknowledging the complicated relationship between mother and daughters.

Maybe your mother gave birth to you, maybe she adopted you, maybe she simply assumed that role for you later in life. Maybe she is gone. Maybe you have more than one. But however she came to you, and you to her, you know she is your mother.

If you have an easy relationship with your mother, be happy. Be content. And probably quit reading.

If you have a complicated, layered, or painful relationship with your mother then you are in a large group of daughters. Sisters.

So today, I honor my sisters who have struggled with their mothers. Who have fought, cried, obsessed, argued, left, returned, grieved and spent hours in therapy trying to understand the dysfunction. I want you to know I hear you and its ok. We will survive. A bit worn from the process, but ok.

Today my friend lays her mother to rest.

Her relationship with her mother was complicated. It never came easy. It never filled the Hallmark Movie expectations we imagine others have with their mothers. It seemed, at times, to be completely marred with tears, hurts and frustrations.

But at the heart of the story, of every mother daughter story, was a little girl who loved her mommy, and a mother, who despite all her faults and failings, did the very best she could for the little girl she loved.

It's a story of a lifetime of memories, many good, some bad. Its a story of forgiveness and acceptance. Its a story of love and fear and sickness and eventually, of a daughter parenting her mother during the last days of her life.

To some it appears to be a story with a tragic ending. A terminal diagnosis. 6 weeks to live. But it was an ending that gave them a priceless gift of the time. Time to say I love you. Time to say I forgive you. Time to say goodbye.


Tamara, my heart breaks with your loss. The loss of the relationship you wanted, the loss of the relationship you had. I wish I could hold your hand today as you say goodbye to your mom.

And mom, I love you too.

A Brief Goodbye

We are back in St. Louis, with much more limited computer access (but thank the Lord texting is working again!) but I know you may wonder how the goodbye visit went.

The boys had a good morning together, but around an hour before we were to leave it was if they ran out of things to say to each other. A smack, a brief wrestle but other than that very loud silence. I sent them to swim to occupy an hour, they returned in 10 minutes.

We drive to L's house. I tell Greg we can take as long as he likes, but as soon as he gives the word we will go.

We arrive. Greg doesn't want to hand out the good-bye gifts we had made (memory shadow box for mother, some framed pictures etc) and asks me to. The girls are sad.

We sit in silence on the couch for ten minutes AT MOST. Greg says "I want to go". Lisa has only briefly made an appearance since our arrival. I find her sitting weeping on her bed. I ask her to come out and say goodbye.

Greg tries to bolt for the car. These suffocating hugs and tears are REALLY getting to him. He is acting almost giddy. Giggly, smiley and definitely heading for the car. I call him back. Make him say goodbye.

They hug him, tell him they love him. He says nothing. They hug me. Tell me they love me, I say the same. I remind them that we are only a phone call away. I wonder if NOW they will make an effort to get to know Greg. 8 years of begging for contact and I hope now they will try. It will make all the difference to Greg.

I hug the girls. We drive away.

We are both hungry but I ask Greg if he wants to stop for lunch now, he is adamant. NO! He wants out of this town. So we hit the highway.

The light mood ends. He spends the next half hour in silence. I talk to him. Tell him that whatever he is feeling it is normal. That nothing he says can surprise me or hurt me.

He starts to talk about cultural issues. Why does brother have a different pair of Air Jordans for every day we are there? How come they send the kids to the community center to eat every day? He theorizes that in his opinion the drinking age should be raised to 23 to encourage troubled youth to go to college. I make SURE he didnt tell his brother we would adopt him.

We go for lunch. I ask Greg if he is ready to go home. Yes he is. This is the kid who told me that he is never homesick, always wants to vacation. Today he is missing his dad. Missing his brothers and missing his home. He wants to talk about the weather there. What will we do when get home. Could we just go home today?

Tonight, we hang out with Aunty D and Uncle B. Foster parents once, family now. Tomorrow, the Arch and then a foster family reunion BBQ.

Sunday morning, we meet with Sr's grandmother. The woman who raised him and the woman who called DFS to report that he was abusing her great grandchildren, my sons.

I just want to go home.

Thursday in Full

Didn't sleep much again. Stressed about the pending lunch. Missing my own bed. This is the longest I have ever been away from my kids.

Wake up dreaming about our morning routine. Coffee on the couch with Shel, a snuggly Caden sitting on my lap, Tanner sitting across from us rambling on endlessly about his latest book, a grouchy Eric mumbling in the kitchen (its a long half hour until those morning pills kick in) and all of us calling down the hall trying to rouse our sleeping teenager.

I am craving safety and security I think. And today I alternate between some extremes in emotion. Anger. Fear. Relief. Sadness. Regret. Peace.

Greg and I go to breakfast together. Its nice. We get dressed, I pack for the day and together we head out on our adventure to find WalMart.

I dont think I have mentioned here yet but I am in love with Vicki. Vicki is the GPS I borrowed from home. Vicki is my best and closest friend while I am down here. I will forever hear her calm voice telling me "Turn left in 200 meters, Arrive at destination" Without Vicki, the GPS, I would be lost. LITERALLY! And scoring bonus points, Vicki knows where every Walmart is. Greg and I arrive.

A man is fund raising in the parking lot for a woman's shelter and I donate, of course. Shel might be a sucker over the phone for such things, but I am a sucker in person. The man reaches over, takes my hand and says "May your day be truly blessed". Thank You my friend, you have no idea how much I needed that.

I print pictures off for the "Memories" Shadow box I am making for L as a good bye gift on Friday morning. Greg plays DS. I find a couple hilarious t-shirts that make me think of a dear friend. I wander. Wasting time. 11, 11:10, 11:12 ... I have to pick up Lisa at noon.

We arrive at the house. Greg isnt saying anything but I can tell he is nervous. He isnt moving from the car until I get out and I am sorting through my purse, organizing some of the pictures. He sits beside me. The girls are jumping on the front lawn waiting for us. I give hugs and go into the house. Greg stays outside.

L comes out of the back room. She and the girls are wearing their Canada t-shirts. I appreciate and understand the gesture. She seems very nervous, isnt making eye contact. She goes outside to stand on the porch seeing the kids out there. Greg immediately comes in and sits beside me. He is more upset than he let on to me. I can tell now.

Grandma insists on Greg going to sit beside her and taking some pictures. Her pain makes her overbearing, and Greg uncomfortable. He is polite, but squirmy. Definitely time to go.

We leave. Greg hasn't said a word since we arrived. We drive to Ruby Tuesday's. I do enjoy these different restaurants. Small talk, small talk, small talk. I wonder if I will ever be able to have a deep conversation again I am so engrained in "keep the conversation moving, lets talk" these past two weeks.

We are sitting in a booth. Greg and L across from me. Greg sits on the very outside edge, L hugs the wall. They wont make eye contact. I approach things gently.

"L, Greg has some things he would like to know and he has asked me to ask them of you. First, what was your childhood like? Do you have any memories you could share with Greg?"

"It was fine"

Greg looks at me. I am eating as fast as I can. So is Greg. L is picking at her food. She knows what question is coming next. She's terrified. So, in a weird way, am I. If she denies anything Greg will write her off, and she has no idea.

"Greg would like to know what you remember about when he was a baby" We all know where this question is leading. Greg wants to know WHY and HOW did things fall apart and he ended up in foster care.

"I am just sorry I put them in that position" she says looking at me, her hand covering the side of her face so any eye contact with Greg isnt possible. "Can you say that to HIM?" I ask her. She shakes her head no.

She goes on to share a few private details about what happened during that time. Mostly she blames the boys' father, Sr. Its ok, Greg needed to hear a sorry. He heard one, sort of.

We wrap up lunch. I spend some time when Greg is in the washroom explaining a bit of what he is feeling, but it ends good. L is relieved its over, Greg is relieved its over and Holy Cow am I relieved its over too.

We drive back to the house. At this point L says that OF COURSE brother can hang out with us tonight, but he has plans for the afternoon. We are heading to Rocheport, Mo to visit a winery and hang out with my net buddy Addie and her husband for a picnic. The girls are clinging to Greg and I again. Yes, of course they can come. I still cant get over this arrangement. But I do admit, its fun getting some girl time in and they are absolutely lovely.

We leave. L gives Greg a half hug. He grunts.

As we drive away Greg volunteers that yesterday, through brother, Lisa asked if Greg was wanting to stay here with this family. Greg said, "I said NO Mom"

I reply appropriately, sympathetically, and ask probing questions. Inside I am furious. F-Freaking-Furious. No wonder! No wonder he wouldn't go there last night. No wonder he wants nothing to do with her today. The conversation last night where he vented and said "They act like I dont have a family and you aren't my mom" makes sense. I thought he was picking up an undercurrent. He was basing it on his actions.

I understand, also, the fear this brings up in him. No matter what, at the heart of this story is a little boy, now 13, but who was once a baby hurt and abused. A baby taken, for his own safety, from the family he knew and placed into another at age 18 months. He learned to love, trust and smile again there. Then, 3 years later, he again was taken away and placed in a new family. We have worked so hard to teach our boys that we are NEVER being taken away. We are NEVER going to leave them. That our family is a safe zone for them and we will be here forever. L's selfish question would trigger all those fears in Greg. She wouldn't know it, but I sure would.

I am glad its a long drive to see Addie. I need to process.

Weapons Not Permitted In Park. Dammit.

Today was a day I had high hopes for. A day to have fun. A day to hang out. Make memories. A chance for some active relationship building.

The easiest and deepest relationship this week that means ALOT to Greg at this point is his relationship with his brother. He will play with the sisters when I ask him to, but who he is LOVING is his big brother. And THAT I think was the downfall of our day. Because to L, that is competition.

We all were going to the waterslides an hours drive away. Everyone. A fun, fun time I was sure. I was excited.

I think it all started to fall apart in the parking lot of the hotel.

First, sister #2, age 3, ran to me in the parking lot. "I missed you SO much last night Jen. I wanna drive with you"

Following her, sister #1, age 6, ran over as well DEMANDING to ride in our car.
Greg is hiding out in the car. He doesnt feel up to a big hello this morning. No more hugs for him.
L, mother, and J, grandmother dont get the hint. They go around to his side of the car and reach in for hugs. He's cringing.

We have an empty seat. Greg asks brother to drive with us. I invite him happily. He looks highly uncomfortable. He says no. He glances back at his mother.

We leave. I wonder. I understand, but I wonder.

By the end of the day I no longer have much understanding. I want to scream at her that its NOT Greg's fault he wasnt raised with his brother. Its NOT brother's fault he wasnt raised with Greg. Its not either of their faults that they were placed into two different families and just now they have a chance to be friends. .

But as it turns out. She will make them pay. They will pay the price for the consequence of her actions because THIS she can control.

We get to the water park. I pay. I buy a swim diaper. I rent us a locker. I rent a cabana. I so want this day to go well.

I really dont know how it happens but again I am left with the girls. I am not asked. I do not offer. But I provide child care all day for two of the sisters. I keep returning to their mom, their aunt, their grandma. They seem perfectly content to have me hang out with the girls. Don't get me wrong - its FUN. The girls are so adorable. They seem to love me to bits and this is my favorite part of hanging out with kids - my own or other people's - PLAY. But it just feels STRANGE. Is it supposed to be like this? I have no idea if this is "normal". Its not MY normal. I am a jealous mom. I love my time with my kids. I miss them when we are apart. I loved my babies close. I loved those special times. I loved their firsts. This is the girls first day at the waterslides. And I got to be there with them.

I dont understand the logic of not being jealous of your babies wanting to spend all day with someone else - and not just any someone else the adoptive mother of your son - but being jealous that the 13 year old prefers the company of a 15 year old. I try to be understanding but she genuinely doesnt seem to care. I dont appear to be misreading her she really seems just fine with the girls being with me all day. This I know because I would have enjoyed a 15 minute break. I didnt get it.

Greg is with his brother, older cuz and little cuz. They are having so much fun. I love watching it.
I ask him to play with sisters for 10 minutes. He does. We play together. They swim back and forth from him to I. Its fun. He laughs with them. But he is bored.
I ask him to talk with L. He tries. She makes no effort to talk to him. He is getting more and more frustrated. I "release" him to go where he wants to be - with his brother. They are making plans for a sleepover at the hotel tonight. They are planning for our bike ride with Addie tomorrow.

L begins the drama. She now refuses to talk to me. She sits crying at the edge of the pool. She refuses to talk to Greg. She begins to threaten to leave early.

I try repeatedly. I am alternatively nice. Funny. Engaging. Sympathetic.

I am so frustrated. Heck to me this feels like a root canal without freezing, I cant imagine how it feels to Greg.

He is SO willing to have a relationship with her. All she has to do is #1 respect his boundaries #2 make an effort on his terms. And here I am trying to have HIM make the effort on HER terms.

It isnt going well.

I decide the 6 and under crowd is an easier sell. The girls and I have a great afternoon. Greg and his brother have a great afternoon.

Aunt talks to me nicely. I am thankful.

They pack up to leave. I decide its not wise for Greg and I go leave at the same time. We are both ready for this day to be over ... not to drag on. I have a chance to talk privately with Greg.

He agrees.

L tells brother he cant stay with us. L tells brother he cant come to a sleep over. L tells brother tomorrow's plans are off.

I go to the washroom. I come back to an upset Greg. L asked him if he wanted to come over to their place tonight. He had to say no.

We had a deal. Greg is adamant he doesnt want to be left alone with them ever. I am supposed to be the "bad guy". This is to keep him safe. To keep him feeling safe. And now HE had to tell her no.

I am angry. That she would put him in that position. That she would put ME in that position.
I walk out to the parking lot with them to retrieve their car seats from my vehicle. Greg refuses to come. I dont blame him. They dont give him any hugs goodbye. This is probably a good idea on their parts.

As I walk out to the car sister starts to beg and whine. She wants to go home with Jen and Greggy. I try to quiet her. Your mama needs you tonight. She is feeling sad. NOOOOO I wanna stay with Jen. I wanna go to Jen's house. I am adamant. No. Your mama needs you to go home tonight. We will play tomorrow. Tears. Finally Ok. Not happy but ok. I feel sick to my stomach. I dont know to make any of this better. But who I care about most is Greg.

I go to focus on my son.

Greg and I hit some waterslides together. Its fun.

We leave. We go to the outlet mall. We go out for ribs. We have a great conversation. I talk about what is going on. He asks why, over and over again. He is angry. He wants to spend time with his brother. She is taking that from him. AGAIN.

We talk about our day tomorrow. We are meeting L alone for lunch. He wants to ask her his "questions". Its going to be hard after today. It would have been hard BEFORE today. It will be harder now.

We talk about our visit with Addie. Another of mommy's internet friends. He rolls his eyes and laughs.

I ask if he wants to go watch a video with L and family at their house in the evening after they get off work. He is adamant that he does NOT want to. I dont know what to do to undo the damage of today. He is mad now. He wont forget easily.

We have a good time. Our dinner is fun. Conversation actually flows. FROM GREG. This is noteworthy. The ribs are apparently the best he has ever had.

I think about formulating an email to talk about today. I think better of it.
Greg ends our conversation over dinner by saying "Mom she is JUST like baby J's grandma"
If you know our story, you know what a damming statement that is.