Winter Blues

This is my week's predicted weather. Last year at this time the snow was gone the weather was warmish and we were able to be outside.

Five months stuck inside with two ADD toddlers, 3 moody teenagers and a cling on for a tween?  I am so done.  

SO DONE WITH WINTER.  

Send wine.  

And a ticket for some place warm.  If you need me before May, I will be the chanting woman hiding under a quilt.

Thank You Google Weather for ruining my day. 

Tue

-22° | -6°

Wed

-31° | -17°

Thu

-42° | -20°

Fri

-22° | -16°

Not That I am Bragging

But I my Biggest Boy is going to the BC Provincial Championships for Midget Rep Hockey.

Twas a wonderful, hockey filled weekend.  Check THIS out.

A special thank you to Laureen Carruthers Photography for putting this together.

It's All in a Name: Epilogue

I wrote HERE about why we were considering changing the girls names, and the options that were before us.  In the end, we chose to change the girls' names to a completely different option than I listed there.

Their original names were First Name * Middle Name #1 * Middle Name #2 * Father's Last Name

We changed to:  First Name *  Middle Name #1 - Hyphen My Middle Name * Mother's Last Name  *Our Last Name

There were a variety of reasons that we went with this name change and in the end we are very satisfied with our decision to include the names we did.  I have felt steadfast and firm in our decision, our request was granted legally by the province of the girls' birth.  It is done.

BUT we had yet to share that decision with the girls' "other mother".

There were many reasons for the delay in telling her, first and foremost the fact she hadn't been around much, and when she was, she wasn't alone.  We wanted her to be the first we told before any other members of the family were informed.  And so I prayed.  Alot.  For the right time, and the right words, to explain to her our decision.

This past week she came by for a visit, the first in several months.  At the end of the visit, after we had tucked our daughters into bed and both kissed them goodnight, I began to drive her home.

"So" she said, "Have you found out how much it would cost to change the girls' names, because I really want you to".

I knew that NOW was the moment I had been praying for.

"It's already done" I said quietly.  "As the girls' parents we had to make a decision that we felt was in their best interest.  We talked to psychologists, and social workers, our kids.  And we prayed.  Alot."

And so I shared with her our reasoning.  A desire to recognize the fact that SHE was the one that stood before the judge and asked him to allow her to transfer her parental rights to us.  A desire to recognize the fact that she is the one that toughs out visits as a mother who isn't a mommy.  A desire to honour her role in choosing the life the girls have when she was all alone and against huge opposition.

And, of course, a desire for the girls to know they always, fully belong in our family too.

And she cried.  And cried. And cried.

With joy.

"Thank you" she said "It's perfect".                            

And a weight, a large one, lifted off my soul.

Snowed In

This was our park last year at this time.  It was lovely. 

This is our park this year.  Not so lovely. 

6 kids, one mom and a whole lot of snow.   

This is Jayde, exactly a year ago, wearing a dress I was buying "for the future".  Not knowing if the future would come for us. 

Here is Jayde wearing that dress this weekend.  

The future came.  And baby got HAIR!

Updates all Around

My Dad, the Super Hero, was discharged from the hospital 4 days after his surgery.   The "inoperable" tumor operated on and gone.  

It is a miracle.  Of this we are certain. 

And we, his family,  are so thankful.

My birthday was hard.  VERY hard.  On the day of the year that the loss of she who was my 'daughter' is the most significant, our shared birthday, I found out news that broke my heart again.  I ache for her and dream that she is experiencing only joy.  And when I catch a glimpse of reality far different I grieve. 

   I know how my story turned out, I know now looking back how she changed us and our family for the better.  I see no "all things working together for good" yet for her.  And it is hard. 

I cried, I sobbed, I screamed at God.  And I came home to an email from a friend containing photos I had never before seen.  She had been sorting her pictures on her computer and wondered if I wanted them.  

There we were.   Baby girl and I. 

I cried again. For our past, and for her present.

My present, the girls, are amazing.  Huge.  Amazing.  Smart. And very, very busy.  The relationship we are trying to build has become very one sided.  Fifteen offered visits cancelled, missed or ignored since the last in  November, September the last before that.  I struggle with how much is my responsibility to force, and my family struggles along with me as we navigate this journey. 

Oh but the girls.  The girls.  Worth every moment. 

Can you believe that Chunk of Love on the left, Miss Jayde, was once a tiny "failure to thrive" babe?  And Miss Smarty Pants Learning My Letters Already Taya was once called 'developmentally delayed'?  

Me either.  Their present is very, very good.

The big boys are growing.  Up and Out.  And with that we face new issues, new challenges, new opportunities.  And I have made a decision that out of respect for their new maturity, and a desire for privacy on all our parts, they will no longer be an integral part of the blog.    They are just as loved.  Just as amazing and just as complicated but they are owed that right now, and I give it happily.  I promise to brag almost as often about how amazing they are.  

My middle boys remain the same.  Growing.  Laughing.  Loving freely and easily.  

I have found this a complicated time.  I am stressed out.  Tired.  Worried. Frustrated.  Questioning.  The future worries me, the past hurts me and the present drags on.

 Hmmmm?  Could this possibly be the mid-winter blues?

My Dad

He has bravely accepted and then defeated 5% survival odds, endured 2 difficult surgeries, never complained once while enduring 22 doses of chemo, willingly gave up his passion of antique cars, and maintained a positive attitude every single moment of this journey while the rest of us screamed at God. 

He loves me, he loves my sister, and he loves all our kids with the passion of an adoring, amazing  grandfather. 

He chooses to put him self through torture because he wants to live, for us.  Not for himself, but because he knows it would be hard on us to lose him.  He is the rock solid center of our universe.  The strongest, bravest, and hardest working man I know.  And oh how he is loved.

If you pray, please say a prayer for him today as he is in surgery #3, on his otherwise deemed "inoperable" cancer. 

This is my Dad, but you can call him Superman.

******** UPDATE *********   My dad came through the EXTREMELY risky surgery with flying colors.  Thank you.

732

732.  Not that I am counting or anything.  

I wondered in amazement, many years ago, how a mother ever EVER let her children move out or move on.

My perfect, affectionate, loving and REWARDING toddlers.  Living life without them under my roof seemed a night mare of unimaginable proportions.

Now I know.  Apparently there is a reason for the teen years.

732.  Not that I am counting or anything.

I Wonder

I wonder how many years it will be before any thought of my birthday doesn't bring me to the brink of tears?  Last year I was so hopeful I was over the raw part.

I wonder if this is something you ever get over?  If acknowledging that this is my reality makes it better? I get one day a year to be ok with missing her.  That God coincided the day of her birth with mine so I would never forget to pray for her?  That in some way, we are tied together for the rest of my life, even if it is never acknowledged anywhere else, God ensured I would never, ever forget.   That on this day her value, her worth to me, is always at the front of my mind.

I have promised a friend, facing the same inevitable,  unfathomable loss, that she will be ok.  And yet, on days like this, it does not feel ok.  Most days it does.  But not on this day.

My digital photo frame holds 1000 pictures and I awoke yesterday to find it had frozen on a picture of her.  6 months old.  Laughing.  She is still frozen there because I haven't the strength or the courage to press play or fast forward.

That's how I feel.  Rewound and paused.

I will be able to press play on Friday.

I  just have to get through tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to me.  Happy Birthday to her.