Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Living on a precipice

Its hard to put into words what life feels like right now.

On edge? Teetering? An infinite pause?

We sit and wait. We celebrate the fact that end isn't here, but we all breathe shallowly because we know its close.

I grasp at hope that I might get another visit, another few days together, and carry the reality that I really shouldn't count on it. I need to be ok if I don't. I have said what I needed to say. And still I hope.

And we focus now on the visits. The memories. The pictures. We laugh and reminisce.

We talk in circles around the idea of a funeral. Burial.

But what we all avoid is the reality of the shattering that will occur when we are plunged off that precipice. There will be no going back. No holding it together. No repairing the damage.

She is the glue that has held us together. The reason we hold on to our facade of a family. For her, we try.

My heart will break. And then my family will crack along the lines of difficult relationships.

And we wait. Until today? Tomorrow? Another week? Another month?

We sit upon this precipice of death.

8 comments:

Vanessa said...

I'll be praying that God lifts you up in this time of trial!! May He help you cope with the unknown and find the stregth to get through each new day!

Sue said...

So sorry Jen. We are going through something similar right now with my father-in-law and I know the stress it puts on loved ones. You will be in my thought s and prayers.

Julia said...

Thinking of you Jen and wishing you peace as you say good-bye to your grandma.

Julia said...

My grandma passed away during Thanksgiving dinner a few years ago. I'm sure it's because she knew we would all be together when we "heard". She was just that kind of remarkable lady...thinking of us even as she made her way to heaven. Makes it kind of a bitter-sweet holiday now, so you are really in my thoughts. Take care.

Paragraphein said...

((((Jen))))

Lala's world said...

thinking of you! just checking in
hope you are having a good Thanksgiving!

Maria (TDKOL) said...

'Thinking of you Jen and wondering how things are with your Grandma and family. ((( hugs )))

Maria

Jensboys said...

thanks for all the prayers and concerns my friends. Our visit was truly wonderful and I will update and post pictures later.