Friday, December 18, 2009

Living in the Shadows

I miss her.
I thought, I really did, that in some way the new girls would fill the hole left by her absence. They don't. They are loved equally in a way that is every bit as rich and as deep as the love we had for her, but we miss her. They are not her. The space in our family is uniquely Jazzy sized.


This season is hard and I have written about it before. Everywhere is tinged with memories of THAT Christmas. The Christmas we shared with her. And I know, or hope, that she is having a wonderful Christmas somewhere else today. But I miss her.


I put her dress on another baby today. Another baby of mine. To take to the same event that I took her. In the same place, on the same night except it's exactly three years apart.
My arms were full of my baby girls and I was surrounded by my sons and I felt her absence. Across the building from me sat the woman who took her away. There she sat. Angry, sad and alone. The baby, my baby, now her little girl, absent from both of us tonight. By her choice, by my lack of choice.


I wonder if the girls feel it at times. Miss Curious knows her by name, but only in pictures. "Azzy and Aden" she says pointing at the picture on the fridge of Jazzy and Caden. She wears a hat out to play in the snow that the boys still call Jazzy's. They wear her clothes, I don't want the memory of her loss to tinge my freedom to love these girls, but it does. The pain is too real, the memory of the agony too fresh. The real fear that one day, one Christmas, I will be grieving for them too presses in on me. I am not sure I can survive it again.
But we make new memories. Two babies wearing their Santa Dresses to the Christmas Concert. Two babies staring in awe at the tree. I miss Jazzy. I miss Christmas Past, but I will enjoy Christmas Present.


9 comments:

Regina said...

I remember that Christmas, and the time after too. Hugs, Jen. Part of you is with her, maybe not in her concious memory, but imprinted on her heart and soul, just as she is on yours.

Momof3 said...

No, there are no replacements for our lost children (whether they are lost to circumstance, illness, or death) and I think that is a good thing.

No child should or can be a replacement for another.

Kristie said...

I cannot justify this properly with saying except I am thinking and praying for you

Moonspun said...

Hugs. You made a difference. Even if you can't know exactly how...

Jensboys said...

Momof3 - Oh I feel your pain too. And I agree that no child should be a replacement -- but what has surprised me is how LITTLE they ARE a replacement. My love for them does not take away my grief for her. Does that make sense? I realize that without losing her we would never have them, but it doesn't mean I yet appreciate her loss. I hope that makes some sense - and not to minimize the girls impact and place in our family because they truly are irreplaceable too. I wouldn't go back if I could, but I would love to have gone forward, with her in our life still - even in some small way.

Momof3 said...

That absolutely makes sense and it was a big concern of mine when we agreed to take Bubba. As he and Caleb would have been just 2 months apart.

I look at Bubba and wonder how it would have been.

But, I am happy that I never look at Bubba and wish he was Caleb. That just wouldn't be fair.

Tudu said...

Darn you woman, I have make up on and now I am ruined from the tears streaming down my cheeks. Every time you talk about her, I cry for you.

Regina said...

Jen it's why "The Dance" is one of my favorite songs. I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Hugs.

Tiffany said...

I found your blog through the bethany forums. Your blogs are so real that they scare me at times. I am a foster parent and have my first placement right now of two precious little ones. They are going home for christmas and it will be so hard. Thank you for sharing so I don't feel so alone in all of these messed up feelings. Christmas will be hard but I will enjoy it with my little boy.