It's All in a Name: Epilogue

I wrote HERE about why we were considering changing the girls names, and the options that were before us.  In the end, we chose to change the girls' names to a completely different option than I listed there.

Their original names were First Name * Middle Name #1 * Middle Name #2 * Father's Last Name

We changed to:  First Name *  Middle Name #1 - Hyphen My Middle Name * Mother's Last Name  *Our Last Name

There were a variety of reasons that we went with this name change and in the end we are very satisfied with our decision to include the names we did.  I have felt steadfast and firm in our decision, our request was granted legally by the province of the girls' birth.  It is done.

BUT we had yet to share that decision with the girls' "other mother".

There were many reasons for the delay in telling her, first and foremost the fact she hadn't been around much, and when she was, she wasn't alone.  We wanted her to be the first we told before any other members of the family were informed.  And so I prayed.  Alot.  For the right time, and the right words, to explain to her our decision.

This past week she came by for a visit, the first in several months.  At the end of the visit, after we had tucked our daughters into bed and both kissed them goodnight, I began to drive her home.

"So" she said, "Have you found out how much it would cost to change the girls' names, because I really want you to".

I knew that NOW was the moment I had been praying for.

"It's already done" I said quietly.  "As the girls' parents we had to make a decision that we felt was in their best interest.  We talked to psychologists, and social workers, our kids.  And we prayed.  Alot."

And so I shared with her our reasoning.  A desire to recognize the fact that SHE was the one that stood before the judge and asked him to allow her to transfer her parental rights to us.  A desire to recognize the fact that she is the one that toughs out visits as a mother who isn't a mommy.  A desire to honour her role in choosing the life the girls have when she was all alone and against huge opposition.

And, of course, a desire for the girls to know they always, fully belong in our family too.

And she cried.  And cried. And cried.

With joy.

"Thank you" she said "It's perfect".                            

And a weight, a large one, lifted off my soul.

Family Circle

Often in adoptive families, particularly those that have contact with their children's first or former foster families, the idea of drawing a family tree for their child's obligatory primary, elementary or high school assignment is stressful and difficult.

Who is included? And even harder, who is EXCLUDED? How do you balance the idea of the very different families that make part of the adoption world.

For those of us with children who have "step" grandparents they adore, how are they placed in the family tree that usually only allows the biological (or adoptive) grandparents to be listed. Many of us have seen the adoptive family tree that allows for roots and branches of a tree to be represented and that is also a great alternative, if your child is wishing to agknowledge various parts of their family.

I found this today while researching a project for the class I work in. I think its a BRILLIANT idea. The symbolism of surrounding the child with the people that love them most, and the people that are part of their family is absolutely wonderful. I hope that some of you find it useful in the years ahead. You can find the original here.