Adoption Diary: Part One

Sorry for the delay after the introduction to my Adoption Diary, but life has gotten BUSY.


I was 16. Out for lunch with a friend. A date, sort of. An awkward lunch of small talk. I think his name was Steve.


We drove back to my house so he could meet my parents. I walked in the door and could sense "it". I didn't know what was causing "it" this time, but I knew "it" was there.


Steve was sent on his way without ever meeting anyone. I needed him gone, and probably made my point efficiently. Not so strangely, I suppose, that was the last time I talked to him for a long time. I got a call when he got engaged, and an explanation that I wouldn't be receiving a wedding invitation because his fiancee was jealous of me.


One lunch date that for me was only memorable because of what happened after, but I remember because that lunch was the last moment my life was the way I actually believed it to be. Everything was to change in the next few years. And it all started for me at the moment I walked in to the house and sensed "it".


A child of fighting parents gets very in tune to "it". The tangible sense of stress in the air when you walk in the door. The shut doors. The not talking, or the talking too loud behind closed doors. Red rimmed eyes of your mother, the silent hunched back of your father in front of the television. Normal seems elusive. The only ones pretending to be normal are the kids.


Jess, 14, and I, had acting normal down pat. School, friends, sports (ok just Jess), church, family. Pretend on the outside, be wary on the inside.


By all accounts, we were your All-Canadian Perfect Christian Family. My mom was ultra conservative, incredibly involved, over protective and very loving. My dad was hard working, loving, family oriented and also involved in our lives.


We went to my grandparents' house for Sunday visits and Kentucky Fried Chicken picnics and my Nan's house on Saturday nights to watch hockey. I knew there was disfunction "out there" but for the most part my parents did a stellar job of protecting us from it. Except of course, for the reality of their failing marriage, "stuff" happened to other people and by all accounts our lives were fairly boring and extremely middle class normal.


And then that day I walked into the house and sensed "it". Something in the air. Some stress. Some tension. Some very strong emotion.


After Steve left, I knocked on my mother's office door. She was crying. Sobbing in fact.


I was scared.


"I need to talk to you girls" she said, "and its very, very important".


I found my little sister and we sat on the floor in my mother's room and waited for the news that would open our eyes to a whole other life. Another world.

It was, in many ways, the first day of the rest of my life.

Reunion Thoughts: The Post Script

Greg and I have now been home from our trip six weeks. Six weeks to readjust, settle in, process and reassume our normal lives and roles.

A friend told me that there was a possibility that Greg might pull away from adoption completely for a while as he processed all that he saw and heard on the trip.

He has. And his first family (birth family) has as well.

Senior called once on the day we got home, and sent the pictures of the prison visit, but didn't enclose a note or letter. Greg and I sent 200 pictures back to him and have not received a response.

This week, Greg commented on this to Shel and I with some disappointment in his voice.

The only person Greg has mentioned having on going contact with is his brother. Greg has initiated 2 emails to him, with no response. What Greg doesn't realize yet, and I haven't the heart to tell him, is that brother has blocked both of us on My Space, Facebook and on msn. I think that this relates to what I saw in Missouri regarding L's desire to control the friendship between the two of them. On this front, I am heart broken for Greg. Brother's birthday approaches, and I am hoping this will open a door for Greg to write a letter and send a gift.

Speaking of L, there has been no further contact from her. Her birthday came and went and Greg adamantly refused to initiate contact himself. I have texted her twice, and received a response once.

Greg himself has been quiet about it all. The odd mention now and then, but not much discussion. Normal life has continued with nary a bump, so far. We look through the scrapbook I made of the trip and he is not overly interested in it. It seems his curiousity has been sated, and his desire to return to normal life has been strong.

From my point of view, he and I are closer. We talk more about everything. With a new sense of confidence that the trip gave me, I am tougher on him in some ways. I can read him better. I can often tell what he is thinking. I am more empowered to put boundaries in place specifically in regards to him, he is more prone to accept them. He also gets more privileges. I trust him, I respect his level of responsibility.

For those that fear reunion or talk lots of losing their child to the pull of a first family, I'd like to offer a counter arguement. My son is still my son. I helped him fill a NEED he had, a need that scared and saddened me at times, and thrilled me at others. Because we listened to him and his needs at the time when HE needed it, not at the artificial age of 18 or 21 or "some day when we think you are ready" we were rewarded with a child that trusts us MORE. Needs us MORE. Loves us, if possible, even MORE.

Greg came home still Greg. He is still grouchy in the mornings and giddy in the afternoons. He still has a mask expression on his face most of the time that others thnk means he is grouchy, but I know means he is bored or uncomfortable. He jokes, he laughs, he cries. He plays with his brothers. He laughs uproariously at home, smiles shyly when we are out. He gets mad a me, and he hugs me. He is super competative, and nervous about change. In essence, he is still Greg. Still my son. Still the child of my heart.

I have no regrets.

Meeting the "Other Side"

Saturday was a wonderful day with Aunty D and Uncle B and family. An absolutely FABULOUS shopping experience, go karting, a visit to the St. Louis Blues training facility (ok, seriously, no wonder they suck -- they train at a MALL on 3/4 ice.) Followed by a really relaxing visit with the extended family, Greg and I were ready for one last batch of introductions.

We were heading to meet Great Grandma, who raised Sr., and his mother, Grandma, as well as any other extended family members that showed up. They live very near the St. Louis airport so it worked out wonderfully to go meet them on our way home. But still, it was hard.

We pulled up to a little, tiny house and walked in the front door. The house was overflowing with "stuff". Stuffed animals, hundreds of crystal items, picture frames filled and not filled, random and assorted items covered every available space. We were met at the door by both the Grandma and Great Grandmother.

Sr. had warned us that his mother was still a drug user, and had actually not wanted us to meet her, but there she was. High. Track lines down both arms. Shakey. Either coming down or still high. Unable to really carry on a conversation, obviously happy to see Greg, but lost in her own world.

Great Grandma was in pajamas when we got there, but later changed. She seemed very nice but has had a very hard life. I hope seeing Greg brought her some comfort. As she listed off the son, and grandchildren and great grandchildren she has lost to drugs, gang wars, violence and of course my two sons to the foster care system my heart really broke for her. Greg was very taken aback by the obvious life style differences & their very obvious poverty.

Great Grandma talked for quite awhile about how she had the boys alot when they were babies, prior to their seizure by DFS. We knew this, and I think it was good for Greg to hear from her.
Sr's sister and 4 of her 5 children showed up for a visit. She is the relative I see the closest physical resemblance to Greg, and one of her sons was very close in appearance to Eric.

Everyone was happy to see us both. This side of the family seems to "get it" and that makes it so much easier for Greg. They thanked him for coming, and me for bringing him. They talked so happily about the pictures and letters I have sent over the years.

We only stayed an hour. Greg has gotten progressively more forceful in resisting conversation and physical contact over the week. His 'reserves' of polite hugs and conversation has ran out completely. At the beginning of this trip he would smile and maybe nod when someone asked if he remembered them, but now he is pretty blunt. "No I don't remember you". Its his truth and such a strange situation. This family KNEW Greg. They raised him for 18 months. They had visits for another two and a half years. He does not know them. Its an interesting quandary to watch him, and them, process that.

As we left, they gave Greg $100 to share with Eric. This was VERY hard for Greg to accept gracefully. Not a lack of gratitude, as he was grateful, just an awareness that they needed it so much more than he did. As we drove away he said "That was hard to take mom".

Over lunch we talked about the two families he met, their differences and their sameness. Great Grandma has "been with the same family for 30 years" as household help. She has struggled, but has held a job for a very long time. Sr, and his family, accepted US into their family. Not just Greg, but Greg AND I. They asked him questions about HIS life. They thanked me for bringing him. Sr. over and over again encouraged Greg to make something of his life. Be thankful for what he had been given and to use it. To listen to his parents. They gave a gift for him to bring home to Eric. They loved seeing the pictures of Greg's other brothers and asked about them too. Greg left with a positive sense of their family and a desire to get to know them more. Would that have changed if our visits were longer? Maybe. But that's for another post coming on my thoughts regarding regrets.
His feelings for L and her family are far more ambiguous. He really loved getting to know the kids. The adults scared him. From my point of view, and I think from his, it was apparent that the visit was about THEIR pain and THEIR loss and not about getting to know Greg as he is today. They expected Greg to be the 18 month old that missed them, and only knew them as his family, instead they got a 13 year old with a whole other life that he wanted to integrate them into. They didn't appear to want that part of Greg. Or if they did, their own lack of skills, personal life experiences, and mental health issues prevented them from showing it in a way that Greg could accept. They wanted Greg, but they wanted him on THEIR terms.

Deep down, I do believe he is very angry but not able to express it yet. I asked what he wanted to do for L's birthday next week. Absolutely nothing. More than that, adamantly absolutely nothing. As he pointed out to me, they didnt give him anything, and didnt give us anything to bring home to Eric. And Greg wasn't caring about an actual gift, because a $5 t shirt would have been enough, it was the idea that they didnt think about it from his perspective, or from Eric's perspective back at home. He has some processing to do in this regard, I am sure.

We arrived at the airport. Happy. Practically Ecstatic. We are both so, so ready to get home.

And then, THEN began our adventure with United Airlines and how they tried to kill us.

How do YOU spell relief?

Greg's foster family held a BBQ in his honor today.

Today has been FUN. Light, easy and fun.

The Arch. Go Karts, Shopping (Sales, Sales, Sales OH MY!)

Slept until 8 this morning. My first good sleep since we left home.

Greg is loving hanging out with his 17 year old foster brother he lived with for 3 years. He is back to being the confident kid I know. Doesn't "need" to ride with me. Doesn't "need" to stick to my side. The ever persistant silence around other adults has let up, well ... as much as it ever lets up for a 13 year old boy.

I had brought 3 suitcases down. 1 filled with clothes, 2 with gifts. I was really hoping to bring only two suitcases home.

Did I mention those sales?

And Target? Children's Place? And Old Navy? And the Nike factory store?

AND .... most importantly .... WE GOT OUR OBAMA SHIRTS.

And I admit it. I bought two for me.

A Brief Goodbye

We are back in St. Louis, with much more limited computer access (but thank the Lord texting is working again!) but I know you may wonder how the goodbye visit went.

The boys had a good morning together, but around an hour before we were to leave it was if they ran out of things to say to each other. A smack, a brief wrestle but other than that very loud silence. I sent them to swim to occupy an hour, they returned in 10 minutes.

We drive to L's house. I tell Greg we can take as long as he likes, but as soon as he gives the word we will go.

We arrive. Greg doesn't want to hand out the good-bye gifts we had made (memory shadow box for mother, some framed pictures etc) and asks me to. The girls are sad.

We sit in silence on the couch for ten minutes AT MOST. Greg says "I want to go". Lisa has only briefly made an appearance since our arrival. I find her sitting weeping on her bed. I ask her to come out and say goodbye.

Greg tries to bolt for the car. These suffocating hugs and tears are REALLY getting to him. He is acting almost giddy. Giggly, smiley and definitely heading for the car. I call him back. Make him say goodbye.

They hug him, tell him they love him. He says nothing. They hug me. Tell me they love me, I say the same. I remind them that we are only a phone call away. I wonder if NOW they will make an effort to get to know Greg. 8 years of begging for contact and I hope now they will try. It will make all the difference to Greg.

I hug the girls. We drive away.

We are both hungry but I ask Greg if he wants to stop for lunch now, he is adamant. NO! He wants out of this town. So we hit the highway.

The light mood ends. He spends the next half hour in silence. I talk to him. Tell him that whatever he is feeling it is normal. That nothing he says can surprise me or hurt me.

He starts to talk about cultural issues. Why does brother have a different pair of Air Jordans for every day we are there? How come they send the kids to the community center to eat every day? He theorizes that in his opinion the drinking age should be raised to 23 to encourage troubled youth to go to college. I make SURE he didnt tell his brother we would adopt him.

We go for lunch. I ask Greg if he is ready to go home. Yes he is. This is the kid who told me that he is never homesick, always wants to vacation. Today he is missing his dad. Missing his brothers and missing his home. He wants to talk about the weather there. What will we do when get home. Could we just go home today?

Tonight, we hang out with Aunty D and Uncle B. Foster parents once, family now. Tomorrow, the Arch and then a foster family reunion BBQ.

Sunday morning, we meet with Sr's grandmother. The woman who raised him and the woman who called DFS to report that he was abusing her great grandchildren, my sons.

I just want to go home.

Perspective. Could you adopt them all mom?

We drive to the vineyard and have a lovely picnic with Addie. She has packed an incredible lunch and its absolutely, completely totally what we needed today. Its a beautiful spot, with a lovely breeze.

And did I mention the wine? Suffice to say she offered me sanity in a in a bottle and a basket.

Greg and I had our pictures taken for the lobbying efforts that Addie does to open adoption records in Missouri. Missouri stinks in this regard. Our boys have their complete files, including original birth certificates, but that is because their social worker loved us and was retiring. Rules be damned, if I wanted it, I got it. BUT, Addie has no rights to her original birth certificate. She, along with thousands of other adoptees, cannot access THEIR own records. Its archaic and sad and needs to be changed.

I am so glad BC has moved past this many years ago.

We walk. We sweat. I melt. I have no idea how people survive in this humidity. The kids dont seem affected by it. We go for ice cream. We visit. Addie promises more visiting later when we have more privacy to talk.

We drive back to Jefferson City. The girls nap in the back of the car. Greg and I chat inbetween him playing his DS. "Mom, could I ask brother if you could adopt him too? The girls are cute, and they love us. You could adopt them too, couldn't you"

I start to laugh, but try to stiffle it. What I see now is yesterday's question to Greg, just in reverse. Its no more appropriate. I explain to Greg that yes, if the kids were ever in foster care we would be notified, and I made sure of that. But they are ok where they are at. Yes, its different, but its ok.

We laugh together at the look on Daddy's face if we show up at home with 4 extra kids. I let him fantasize about being raised with almost all his biological siblings (there is another sister we wont meet on this trip). We laugh about putting his brother into hockey. How busy life would be.

I then understand L's question. I dont understand her putting it on GREG, but I understand the fantasy. Its ok to think it, its not ok to act on it.

Greg doesn't want to go back to L's house so I drop him off with the girls at the hotel. I run to L's to pick up Brother and Cuz who are spending the evening with us.

We laugh. We swim. We play. We eat.

I wonder at what the boundaries are for me. Brother tells sister over and over again that she is ugly and noone loves her. "Jen loves me and thinks I am a princess" She says as she buries her head in my shoulder.

We play "drowing" over and over for an hour. She pretends to drown, I rescue her. We hug. We repeat. I have flashbacks to the first swim I took with Greg and Eric 9 years ago. Then it was the "shooting" game. Save me, Mama from the bad guy shooter.

Its bizairre. I hold in my arms the full biological sister to my sons. And she isn't my child. And she clings to me. "You love me Jen, RIGHT? You can stay more days, RIGHT?" I remember the phone from the social worker. "If baby L comes into care, would you consider taking her as well?" 6 years ago. I am happy she never did, so very happy for her. But still, its hard not to fall in love with an angel. I pray that she is safe and happy where she is. Sister to my sons, but not my daughter.

The kids stay until after 10 pm. Its been a fun, full day and I am exhausted. The boys and I head to Sonic (another new restaurant) for a very late night dinner. I try to stay out of their way as I know these are precious times for both of them. They watch tv. Greg turns it off without me mentioning the late hour. Our routine, our boundaries are pretty ingrained. The after dark wrestling match carries on for a half hour. I giggle but dont enforce any boundaries. Who am I to interfere in their first ever brother sleepover?

2:30 am. Greg awakens. He has heartburn and has it bad. He needs some "mommying" time. I rub his back. I get him medicine. I hold his hand and talk to him about sometimes our bodies react to stress in different ways. Its a rare and precious 45 minutes together. He is definitely letting me baby him. And that's just ok with me.

9 years ago, on OUR first night together, Greg also awoke at 2:30 in the morning. He sobbed and sobbed, begging me to take him back to his foster mom. I rocked him, his little 4 year old body shaking with a grief I couldn't even comprehend much less comfort.

I am glad now that I CAN provide him comfort not just empty words from a stranger that loves you fiecely. We have come a long, long way baby boy. A long, long way.

We awaken to a call. They are cancelling our goodbye lunch. Is it ok if we just drop by the house for a quick visit on our way out of town. I sigh. This is going to be hard.

Thursday in Full

Didn't sleep much again. Stressed about the pending lunch. Missing my own bed. This is the longest I have ever been away from my kids.

Wake up dreaming about our morning routine. Coffee on the couch with Shel, a snuggly Caden sitting on my lap, Tanner sitting across from us rambling on endlessly about his latest book, a grouchy Eric mumbling in the kitchen (its a long half hour until those morning pills kick in) and all of us calling down the hall trying to rouse our sleeping teenager.

I am craving safety and security I think. And today I alternate between some extremes in emotion. Anger. Fear. Relief. Sadness. Regret. Peace.

Greg and I go to breakfast together. Its nice. We get dressed, I pack for the day and together we head out on our adventure to find WalMart.

I dont think I have mentioned here yet but I am in love with Vicki. Vicki is the GPS I borrowed from home. Vicki is my best and closest friend while I am down here. I will forever hear her calm voice telling me "Turn left in 200 meters, Arrive at destination" Without Vicki, the GPS, I would be lost. LITERALLY! And scoring bonus points, Vicki knows where every Walmart is. Greg and I arrive.

A man is fund raising in the parking lot for a woman's shelter and I donate, of course. Shel might be a sucker over the phone for such things, but I am a sucker in person. The man reaches over, takes my hand and says "May your day be truly blessed". Thank You my friend, you have no idea how much I needed that.

I print pictures off for the "Memories" Shadow box I am making for L as a good bye gift on Friday morning. Greg plays DS. I find a couple hilarious t-shirts that make me think of a dear friend. I wander. Wasting time. 11, 11:10, 11:12 ... I have to pick up Lisa at noon.

We arrive at the house. Greg isnt saying anything but I can tell he is nervous. He isnt moving from the car until I get out and I am sorting through my purse, organizing some of the pictures. He sits beside me. The girls are jumping on the front lawn waiting for us. I give hugs and go into the house. Greg stays outside.

L comes out of the back room. She and the girls are wearing their Canada t-shirts. I appreciate and understand the gesture. She seems very nervous, isnt making eye contact. She goes outside to stand on the porch seeing the kids out there. Greg immediately comes in and sits beside me. He is more upset than he let on to me. I can tell now.

Grandma insists on Greg going to sit beside her and taking some pictures. Her pain makes her overbearing, and Greg uncomfortable. He is polite, but squirmy. Definitely time to go.

We leave. Greg hasn't said a word since we arrived. We drive to Ruby Tuesday's. I do enjoy these different restaurants. Small talk, small talk, small talk. I wonder if I will ever be able to have a deep conversation again I am so engrained in "keep the conversation moving, lets talk" these past two weeks.

We are sitting in a booth. Greg and L across from me. Greg sits on the very outside edge, L hugs the wall. They wont make eye contact. I approach things gently.

"L, Greg has some things he would like to know and he has asked me to ask them of you. First, what was your childhood like? Do you have any memories you could share with Greg?"

"It was fine"

Greg looks at me. I am eating as fast as I can. So is Greg. L is picking at her food. She knows what question is coming next. She's terrified. So, in a weird way, am I. If she denies anything Greg will write her off, and she has no idea.

"Greg would like to know what you remember about when he was a baby" We all know where this question is leading. Greg wants to know WHY and HOW did things fall apart and he ended up in foster care.

"I am just sorry I put them in that position" she says looking at me, her hand covering the side of her face so any eye contact with Greg isnt possible. "Can you say that to HIM?" I ask her. She shakes her head no.

She goes on to share a few private details about what happened during that time. Mostly she blames the boys' father, Sr. Its ok, Greg needed to hear a sorry. He heard one, sort of.

We wrap up lunch. I spend some time when Greg is in the washroom explaining a bit of what he is feeling, but it ends good. L is relieved its over, Greg is relieved its over and Holy Cow am I relieved its over too.

We drive back to the house. At this point L says that OF COURSE brother can hang out with us tonight, but he has plans for the afternoon. We are heading to Rocheport, Mo to visit a winery and hang out with my net buddy Addie and her husband for a picnic. The girls are clinging to Greg and I again. Yes, of course they can come. I still cant get over this arrangement. But I do admit, its fun getting some girl time in and they are absolutely lovely.

We leave. L gives Greg a half hug. He grunts.

As we drive away Greg volunteers that yesterday, through brother, Lisa asked if Greg was wanting to stay here with this family. Greg said, "I said NO Mom"

I reply appropriately, sympathetically, and ask probing questions. Inside I am furious. F-Freaking-Furious. No wonder! No wonder he wouldn't go there last night. No wonder he wants nothing to do with her today. The conversation last night where he vented and said "They act like I dont have a family and you aren't my mom" makes sense. I thought he was picking up an undercurrent. He was basing it on his actions.

I understand, also, the fear this brings up in him. No matter what, at the heart of this story is a little boy, now 13, but who was once a baby hurt and abused. A baby taken, for his own safety, from the family he knew and placed into another at age 18 months. He learned to love, trust and smile again there. Then, 3 years later, he again was taken away and placed in a new family. We have worked so hard to teach our boys that we are NEVER being taken away. We are NEVER going to leave them. That our family is a safe zone for them and we will be here forever. L's selfish question would trigger all those fears in Greg. She wouldn't know it, but I sure would.

I am glad its a long drive to see Addie. I need to process.

Lunch. Eat or be Eaten

I am exhausted tonight and dont have the energy to post but I know that some were waiting for an update.

First, lunch went ok. Not great but better than I expected. Some very weird things.

Second, I found out she secretly asked Greg if he wanted to live here with her now. No wonder he wouldn't talk to her yesterday.

Third, I had the girls all day again and meeting Addie was great. So wonderful to have the break of some quiet visiting, good food, great wine and a lovely walk. Girls went home at 10 pm.

Fourth, Brother is here for a sleepover. So far so good.

A Little Thank You

First off, a HUGE thank you to those who are flooding my in box with messages. Thank you. I am trying to reply to them all, but if I have missed you, I am very, very sorry. But I am so thankful. SO very thankful.

To those that would be texting me, apparently there is a problem with my home network and this network in Jefferson City not being compatable. I have not received a text since Monday afternoon. I think i might receive a flood when I get back to St. Louis tomorrow.
For those of you that would maybe handle things differently, or dont understand my feelings, or whatever reading this make you feel, I still want to thank you for reading and for not attacking me as a person or as a mom. I am trying to write this unfiltered to the best of my ability. I know all my feelings aren't pretty and I know that maybe there are somethings I could have done differently, but trust me when I say I am trying to do my very best FOR GREG, noone else. And I am trying to be as honest as possible in here. This is his story, and he will own it and its him I answer to.

To the rest of you, particularly those that pray, I would appreciate some today at Noon central time.

Greg and I are taking L, his mother, out for lunch alone. We asked for no other kids, no other relatives. This is her chance to make things better. We talked last night after I finished posting and he simply said "I dont think she will say anything important".
I dont either, but we can hope for a miracle.

Afterwards we are meeting Addie for a visit. She will check Greg out for you all and I am sure report back as to whether or not I have screwed up my kiddo royally ;) Actually, in all honesty, the support from you all, my friends and cyber family, has been priceless through this all.

My family - they just want me to protect Greg, without realizing that there is value in this process as well.

My friends - in the non-adoption related world, just dont get it.

You guys at least understand the depths of complication. AND SO I THANK YOU!

Weapons Not Permitted In Park. Dammit.

Today was a day I had high hopes for. A day to have fun. A day to hang out. Make memories. A chance for some active relationship building.

The easiest and deepest relationship this week that means ALOT to Greg at this point is his relationship with his brother. He will play with the sisters when I ask him to, but who he is LOVING is his big brother. And THAT I think was the downfall of our day. Because to L, that is competition.

We all were going to the waterslides an hours drive away. Everyone. A fun, fun time I was sure. I was excited.

I think it all started to fall apart in the parking lot of the hotel.

First, sister #2, age 3, ran to me in the parking lot. "I missed you SO much last night Jen. I wanna drive with you"

Following her, sister #1, age 6, ran over as well DEMANDING to ride in our car.
Greg is hiding out in the car. He doesnt feel up to a big hello this morning. No more hugs for him.
L, mother, and J, grandmother dont get the hint. They go around to his side of the car and reach in for hugs. He's cringing.

We have an empty seat. Greg asks brother to drive with us. I invite him happily. He looks highly uncomfortable. He says no. He glances back at his mother.

We leave. I wonder. I understand, but I wonder.

By the end of the day I no longer have much understanding. I want to scream at her that its NOT Greg's fault he wasnt raised with his brother. Its NOT brother's fault he wasnt raised with Greg. Its not either of their faults that they were placed into two different families and just now they have a chance to be friends. .

But as it turns out. She will make them pay. They will pay the price for the consequence of her actions because THIS she can control.

We get to the water park. I pay. I buy a swim diaper. I rent us a locker. I rent a cabana. I so want this day to go well.

I really dont know how it happens but again I am left with the girls. I am not asked. I do not offer. But I provide child care all day for two of the sisters. I keep returning to their mom, their aunt, their grandma. They seem perfectly content to have me hang out with the girls. Don't get me wrong - its FUN. The girls are so adorable. They seem to love me to bits and this is my favorite part of hanging out with kids - my own or other people's - PLAY. But it just feels STRANGE. Is it supposed to be like this? I have no idea if this is "normal". Its not MY normal. I am a jealous mom. I love my time with my kids. I miss them when we are apart. I loved my babies close. I loved those special times. I loved their firsts. This is the girls first day at the waterslides. And I got to be there with them.

I dont understand the logic of not being jealous of your babies wanting to spend all day with someone else - and not just any someone else the adoptive mother of your son - but being jealous that the 13 year old prefers the company of a 15 year old. I try to be understanding but she genuinely doesnt seem to care. I dont appear to be misreading her she really seems just fine with the girls being with me all day. This I know because I would have enjoyed a 15 minute break. I didnt get it.

Greg is with his brother, older cuz and little cuz. They are having so much fun. I love watching it.
I ask him to play with sisters for 10 minutes. He does. We play together. They swim back and forth from him to I. Its fun. He laughs with them. But he is bored.
I ask him to talk with L. He tries. She makes no effort to talk to him. He is getting more and more frustrated. I "release" him to go where he wants to be - with his brother. They are making plans for a sleepover at the hotel tonight. They are planning for our bike ride with Addie tomorrow.

L begins the drama. She now refuses to talk to me. She sits crying at the edge of the pool. She refuses to talk to Greg. She begins to threaten to leave early.

I try repeatedly. I am alternatively nice. Funny. Engaging. Sympathetic.

I am so frustrated. Heck to me this feels like a root canal without freezing, I cant imagine how it feels to Greg.

He is SO willing to have a relationship with her. All she has to do is #1 respect his boundaries #2 make an effort on his terms. And here I am trying to have HIM make the effort on HER terms.

It isnt going well.

I decide the 6 and under crowd is an easier sell. The girls and I have a great afternoon. Greg and his brother have a great afternoon.

Aunt talks to me nicely. I am thankful.

They pack up to leave. I decide its not wise for Greg and I go leave at the same time. We are both ready for this day to be over ... not to drag on. I have a chance to talk privately with Greg.

He agrees.

L tells brother he cant stay with us. L tells brother he cant come to a sleep over. L tells brother tomorrow's plans are off.

I go to the washroom. I come back to an upset Greg. L asked him if he wanted to come over to their place tonight. He had to say no.

We had a deal. Greg is adamant he doesnt want to be left alone with them ever. I am supposed to be the "bad guy". This is to keep him safe. To keep him feeling safe. And now HE had to tell her no.

I am angry. That she would put him in that position. That she would put ME in that position.
I walk out to the parking lot with them to retrieve their car seats from my vehicle. Greg refuses to come. I dont blame him. They dont give him any hugs goodbye. This is probably a good idea on their parts.

As I walk out to the car sister starts to beg and whine. She wants to go home with Jen and Greggy. I try to quiet her. Your mama needs you tonight. She is feeling sad. NOOOOO I wanna stay with Jen. I wanna go to Jen's house. I am adamant. No. Your mama needs you to go home tonight. We will play tomorrow. Tears. Finally Ok. Not happy but ok. I feel sick to my stomach. I dont know to make any of this better. But who I care about most is Greg.

I go to focus on my son.

Greg and I hit some waterslides together. Its fun.

We leave. We go to the outlet mall. We go out for ribs. We have a great conversation. I talk about what is going on. He asks why, over and over again. He is angry. He wants to spend time with his brother. She is taking that from him. AGAIN.

We talk about our day tomorrow. We are meeting L alone for lunch. He wants to ask her his "questions". Its going to be hard after today. It would have been hard BEFORE today. It will be harder now.

We talk about our visit with Addie. Another of mommy's internet friends. He rolls his eyes and laughs.

I ask if he wants to go watch a video with L and family at their house in the evening after they get off work. He is adamant that he does NOT want to. I dont know what to do to undo the damage of today. He is mad now. He wont forget easily.

We have a good time. Our dinner is fun. Conversation actually flows. FROM GREG. This is noteworthy. The ribs are apparently the best he has ever had.

I think about formulating an email to talk about today. I think better of it.
Greg ends our conversation over dinner by saying "Mom she is JUST like baby J's grandma"
If you know our story, you know what a damming statement that is.