Friday, April 10, 2009

Survival Rates

Survival Rates

Why must I read them? Why must the be so different?



over 75%

aproximately 80%

None of them say I am guaranteed to be alive in 5 years. I want that guarantee. And yes I know, no guarantees in life, but at 35 I feel like I have a bit of a cushion. Or I felt like I did.

Even at 90% which is the number I cling to, why are 10% of the people dying? Nothing says. Does the cancer come back? Are they old? Are 10% dead because they had something else wrong? Were they young too? Were they mothers?

It's horrible. I feel awful for even thinking that because I know I don't deserve life anymore than anyone else. Just because I am young-ish and because I am a mother doesn't mean that this is any worse for me than anyone else.

I just don't want this. I don't want to be a statistic. I liked denial. I want to go back to feeling young and invincible.

I wait now. May 11th is my day. My day of surgery. My cure? And then I will wait again, a week or two to find out my pathology.

For some reason I am craving chocolate like you wouldn't believe.


Anonymous said...

Hello Jen,

My condolences on the loss of your beloved Grandmother.

... and I'm sooooo sorry you are having the stress of this kidney tumor. I'll pray for you. Let's hope it's benign :-) (then all these percentages don't "count" ... right?)

(((hugs))) to you and your family.

Maria (TDKOL)

Di said...

The internet can be our best asset, and in the same moment be our worst enemy. I remember reading like a woman posessed when I first was diagnosed - then I finally had to stop. Too much information as they say! I remember it all too well, wish I could sit across the counter, and just listen! Praying here big time for you! Praying that you will be in that victorious percentage! You are not alone!

Lala's world said...

eat as much chocolate as you can! stressful times comes for oodles and oodles of chocolate!

Julia said... have been on my mind so very much. I just wanted to say, hang in there...stay positive...know you are loved...keep praying...and yes! EAT LOTS OF CHOCOLATE!