Why must I read them? Why must the be so different?
None of them say I am guaranteed to be alive in 5 years. I want that guarantee. And yes I know, no guarantees in life, but at 35 I feel like I have a bit of a cushion. Or I felt like I did.
Even at 90% which is the number I cling to, why are 10% of the people dying? Nothing says. Does the cancer come back? Are they old? Are 10% dead because they had something else wrong? Were they young too? Were they mothers?
It's horrible. I feel awful for even thinking that because I know I don't deserve life anymore than anyone else. Just because I am young-ish and because I am a mother doesn't mean that this is any worse for me than anyone else.
I just don't want this. I don't want to be a statistic. I liked denial. I want to go back to feeling young and invincible.
I wait now. May 11th is my day. My day of surgery. My cure? And then I will wait again, a week or two to find out my pathology.
For some reason I am craving chocolate like you wouldn't believe.