Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice

I, like many other little girls, grew of with a fantasy of one day becoming a mommy myself.  That fantasy played out with my dolls who were all, without fail, girls.  I had a sister, and on one side of my family only female cousins.  I envisioned my future of daughters and tea parties and party dresses.

Then along came Son #1 whom I was positive was a girl until he was about 6 minutes old and the doctor told me AGAIN that he was a boy.  A BOY?  How had I ever had a boy?  But I had and he was perfectly amazing. Apparently I would have a son.

A few months later we started the adoption process.  Our homestudy said we were open to any gender, but secretly I believed that if we were adopting two children at once, chances were at least ONE of them would be a girl.  And 18 months later Greg and Eric, two definite boys joined our family.  And they were perfectly amazing.  Apparently I would have 3 sons.

9 months later I discovered I was pregnant.  "God knew how much I always dreamed of a daughter" I thought, "and THIS is how she will arrive".   37 weeks after conception, son #4, our precious Caden arrived. 

I was the mother of 4 sons.  And we were DONE.  Well Shel was D-O-N-E and I figured I couldn't sneak more kids past him. 

I loved being a mother of sons.  I loved how they played together and loved how they all fell in love with their mommy.  I loved the wrestling and the noise and the hockey practices and even the dirt and farts and all the rough and tumble  that goes with a house full of boys.  I loved it more than I had even dreamed possible. 

But that secret part of my heart missed that little girl.  And I begged God to take away my desire for a daughter because it hurt too much.  I knew we were done.  I dared dream when Jazzy was in our family, but in the end losing her hurt even more because I had dared to dream of tea parties and weddings and playing with make up and a future with a little girl, and then one day she was just gone and I was again daughterless.

I did not WANT to want a daughter.  I did not want to feel that ache and that absence.  I prayed, I cried, I tried desperately to "get over it".  We weren't adopting again.  We weren't fostering again.  We most certainly not having another biological baby again.  I was the very proud mother of four sons, and had been the "for a while" mom of a daughter that was gone.  I wanted, desperately, for that to be enough.

And along came the girls who became my daughters.  Unexpected. Unplanned.  And a far greater blessing than I had ever even dared to dream of.  TWO daughters.  Two.

Raising babies is raising babies.  Girls pee and poop and need clean clothes and want breakfast and supper just like boys do.  They play and are noisy and break my things and throw up in the car and spill their milk just like boys do. 

And there are moments that take my breath away that are possibly more precious now than I would have ever known if my heart's desire had been granted back when I thought it should be.  Like putting a ribbon in a pony tail on a Sunday Morning.  Smoothing lip gloss on pursed upturned lips who want to be just like mommy.  Painting toe nails and lacy tights.  The little things that add up to a full heart.

And then there are the big things.  The dreams I never dared speak out loud because to hear them fall on deaf ears would hurt more than having never spoken them.  I was married in a (circa 1994) wedding dress.  Large, fluffy, long and to me, at that moment, the fulfillment of all my little girl, teenage obsessed wedding fantasies. 

After my honeymoon as I wrapped the dress up to put away I knew that one day I would turn my wedding dress into Baptismal dresses for my future soon-to-be daughters.  And it never happened.  The dress was sent away to be locked into a basement closet at my father's house.  Once every few years I would peek at it and touch the tulle and satin and remember that dream.  And then I would pack it away and the dream with it.

In a few weeks we will stand as a family before God,  friends and family and we will acknowledge our responsibility to raise the girls to the best of our ability.  And I will remember the cries of my heart and rejoice. 

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.” 1 John 5:14

I do not believe that the girls, or their family of birth, or our family, went through the losses we all did in order to become a family because I had a desire for daughters that God intended to fill, but I do believe that out of the ashes of addiction and loss and pain and suffering, great joy has come.  And I will celebrate that joy without reservation.


rlvd said...

such a special post! thanks for sharing your heart here :)

Joy said...

Lovely :)

HollyMarie said...

What a beautiful post.. you got me all teary eyed...

Bobbie-Jo said...

What a beautiful full-circle that was!

Anonymous said...

I couldn't be happier for you! I am so thankful your dreams came true- even though you had surrendered them.
The girls look ADORABLE in their frilly dresses- fantastic job! Can't wait to celebrate with you all.
Hugs- CB :)
PS can't believe you actually wrote "fart"! I remember the days your boys weren't allowed to use that work in from of their mama! hahaha! :)

Sandy (from Surrey) said...


They are so precious in their dresses...and the dresses are from your dress?

All the best and things always work out how they are supposed to at the end of the day.

Danae Hudson said...

So amazingly beautiful!

Kim said...

Well put - thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Your writing is so interesting but I wonder about your bible quote. Do you pick quotes as you see fit? There are some pretty bizarre things written in the bible (death for work on sundays!, subservient women etc). What do you think about these aspects?

Unknown said...

Anon - I believe in the Bible as the word of God. I believe in a personal relationship with a loving God. I believe in a heaven and a hell. I also believe that much of what you are quoting is from the Old Testament and the "law" that the Jews lived under before Jesus came to earth and died to set us free from that law. Do I understand all of scripture? No. of course not. And do I understand or agree with how scripture has been twisted and used for horrible, awful things? No. Wasn't it Gandi that said I love your Christ, its the Christians I have a problem with? :)

I also don't claim to be a philosopher or religious expert but I do have a living faith in a God that is very real to me. I know without a shadow of a doubt tha a very real God has been with me throughout my life. I cannot fathom to explain it, but I would not want to live a life without that belief.

And most importantly, this is my blog - my words, my writing - and if I want to quote Scripture that is important to me - I will :) I live my life hoping that others find the Christ I believe in attractive because of my actions and life - not because I want anyone to be forced to be believe in Him or because I preached at them. Not my job to convince you or to justify my faith - it is simply my job to believe and live my life in a manner that draws others into wanting to know about Him :)

Deb said...

What a beautiful post. And the girls dresses are precious. What a special memory to share with them.