Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I Wonder

I wonder how many years it will be before any thought of my birthday doesn't bring me to the brink of tears?  Last year I was so hopeful I was over the raw part.

I wonder if this is something you ever get over?  If acknowledging that this is my reality makes it better? I get one day a year to be ok with missing her.  That God coincided the day of her birth with mine so I would never forget to pray for her?  That in some way, we are tied together for the rest of my life, even if it is never acknowledged anywhere else, God ensured I would never, ever forget.   That on this day her value, her worth to me, is always at the front of my mind.

I have promised a friend, facing the same inevitable,  unfathomable loss, that she will be ok.  And yet, on days like this, it does not feel ok.  Most days it does.  But not on this day.

My digital photo frame holds 1000 pictures and I awoke yesterday to find it had frozen on a picture of her.  6 months old.  Laughing.  She is still frozen there because I haven't the strength or the courage to press play or fast forward.

That's how I feel.  Rewound and paused.

I will be able to press play on Friday.

I  just have to get through tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to me.  Happy Birthday to her.

6 comments:

Michelle said...

Happy Birthday Jen. I hope this following year will bring you more peace and your body to health!

Di said...

Thinking of you both! Hugs... from afar.

GB's Mom said...

Praying for you. Sometimes it is impossible to figure out why something happened. {{{Hugs}}}

Anonymous said...

Ugh! I'm glad to hear your birthday was easier this year. Keep fighting the fight, imagine if you hadn't. My heart breaks for foster parents who have no contact, its not in the best interest of the children and it shoudn't be supported by our legal system.

Both my dd's had amazing foster moms who went the extra mile in challenging circumstances. I was not permitted any contact with the first (international adoption) and we have complete contact with the second. There is no way someone can put the time and energy needed to raise a baby and not be heart broken at the loss of them no matter that you were "prepared" or that they "have a better life".

Anonymous said...

'Hope you have a good Birthday even though it also brings sadness. (((hugs))) Maria(TDKOL)

La Mama Loca said...

Happy Birthday. Praying for your little one. The post about seeing her and singing to her brought tears to my eyes. Somewhere, deep in her heart and soul, she knows you. I wish it would have turned out differently for you both. Many hugs!!