Friday, January 28, 2011

Updates all Around

My Dad, the Super Hero, was discharged from the hospital 4 days after his surgery.   The "inoperable" tumor operated on and gone.  

It is a miracle.  Of this we are certain. 
And we, his family,  are so thankful.

My birthday was hard.  VERY hard.  On the day of the year that the loss of she who was my 'daughter' is the most significant, our shared birthday, I found out news that broke my heart again.  I ache for her and dream that she is experiencing only joy.  And when I catch a glimpse of reality far different I grieve. 

   I know how my story turned out, I know now looking back how she changed us and our family for the better.  I see no "all things working together for good" yet for her.  And it is hard. 

I cried, I sobbed, I screamed at God.  And I came home to an email from a friend containing photos I had never before seen.  She had been sorting her pictures on her computer and wondered if I wanted them.  

There we were.   Baby girl and I. 
I cried again. For our past, and for her present.

My present, the girls, are amazing.  Huge.  Amazing.  Smart. And very, very busy.  The relationship we are trying to build has become very one sided.  Fifteen offered visits cancelled, missed or ignored since the last in  November, September the last before that.  I struggle with how much is my responsibility to force, and my family struggles along with me as we navigate this journey. 

Oh but the girls.  The girls.  Worth every moment. 
Can you believe that Chunk of Love on the left, Miss Jayde, was once a tiny "failure to thrive" babe?  And Miss Smarty Pants Learning My Letters Already Taya was once called 'developmentally delayed'?  
Me either.  Their present is very, very good.

The big boys are growing.  Up and Out.  And with that we face new issues, new challenges, new opportunities.  And I have made a decision that out of respect for their new maturity, and a desire for privacy on all our parts, they will no longer be an integral part of the blog.    They are just as loved.  Just as amazing and just as complicated but they are owed that right now, and I give it happily.  I promise to brag almost as often about how amazing they are.  

My middle boys remain the same.  Growing.  Laughing.  Loving freely and easily.  

I have found this a complicated time.  I am stressed out.  Tired.  Worried. Frustrated.  Questioning.  The future worries me, the past hurts me and the present drags on.

 Hmmmm?  Could this possibly be the mid-winter blues?


Jess said...

I feel your pain in this post. I too grieve my daughters present situation. And don't see any 'good' in it. Praying for your daughter. Praying for you as you grieve for her.

Anonymous said...

Great post, my friend. Sending empathy and hugs... wish I could pop by with chocolate and wine ;) or whisk you to an all-inclusive, somewhere hot, no stress and all-pampered (and that's NOT the baby pampers!) lol
SO glad I'll see you at camp... can't even say how much.
One faithful step in front of the other- rooting for you! CB :)

Unknown said...

Wow, so much to be grateful for, yet so much to wonder about. I love the pictures of your smiling family. You are all so beautiful...