Optical Illusion Monday

Ok, don't get used to it because I will probably only do this once but this picture still makes me smile. Taken on Christmas Day, 2005 its a picture of my baby boy, then 4 years old. Can you tell where he is or what he is doing? There are some obvious hints in the picture, but it was weird weather phenomenon that created the photo opportunity in the first place. Tomorrow I will add the rest of the montage that show what we were doing on that Christmas Day long ago.

Hint: No, he is not on pavement.

Safe in My Arms

My friend Max, who writes Juvenile Junctures about life as an adoptive parent of a large sibling group while dealing with special needs, made me a birthday gift.

I cried but love it and I hope you enjoy it too.

The Birthday Re-Do (Hints for the After-Thoughtful)

Dear Men,

If your wife flips out on you due to your shocking lack of female intuition (see previous post) beg forgiveness and then make things right.

#1) Provide supper she doesn't have to cook. Yes anything will work, even re-manufactured chicken and soggy potatoes; as long as it comes with wine.

#2) Have children write sappy notes of appreciation to their mother; even if you have to ground them for a week to get them to do it as your wife will eventually have selective amnesia over the sound of boys screaming "But I can't think of ANYTHING" coming from the back bedroom.

#3) Buy a sappy gift, and yes a Willow Tree Angel featuring a mother and son is practically perfect. Other sappy gifts include anything that your wife will feel badly about scoffing at but know that including the child aspect is brilliant and practically guarantees acceptance.

#4) Warn your youngest child that recounting how you said "Let's not go there" when same youngest son tells you how he suggested buying the baby angel to "remind mommy of Lost Babe" might make mommy a bit weepy, but that's ok.

#5) Whispering in your wife's ear as she reads your sappy "After Thoughtful" birthday card if its possible she might consider sex with you in 2009 might be a bit presumptious, but not completely out of character. Bonus points for making her laugh. And the answer is still "maybe, if you're lucky".

#6) Accept all teasing, torture and implications that you are now forever responsible for dirty dishes, sorting laundry and running kids to hockey practice. This will only last until the NEXT birthday to see if you have been changed into a pre-thoughtful version of the man she married.

With Love From,

A now happy wife

Marriage Advice for Men

Dear Men and Boys; (of course this isn't addressing anyone in the Common Sense family - they are all PERFECT - and would NEVER not buy a gift or a card or completely ignore my birthday)

If the significant woman in your life says she "doesn't want a big deal" made out of her birthday that is NOT a hint to ignore it completely.

Lesson #1 - Buy a card. Make a card. Write a letter. Yes Hallmark is an extortionist organization BUT WOMEN DON'T CARE. Make some effort. Show some interest. Let her know she is worth it. Even if it's cold outside. Even if you are busy. Even if you don't think its all that important. She does.

Lesson #2 - If she gives you EXPRESS INSTRUCTIONS about what she would like, FOLLOW THEM. You've been complaining for years that women want you to read their minds so if she takes the time to actually TELL YOU what she wants clearly, and the reasons she wants it, its probably important. Screwing up with this is pretty lame.

Lesson #3 - If you screw up. APOLOGIZE. Do not blame aliens, the weather, the play of the Boston Red Sox or WORSE - HER. Ever.

Of course, none of this applies to my life. The fact that apparently my birthday is now being celebrated on January 8th has NOTHING to do with the above.

Word to the wise -- if you marry a baby of a family, expect training.

I'll Cry if I Want To

Tomorrow is my birthday. I have birthday cards in my mail box, facebook messages galore, kind and generous emails. And I ignore them all.


Yes, as of tomorrow I am half way to seventy. And yes, as of tomorrow, I am closer to forty than thirty, but its for none of those reasons I will cry.


Tomorrow a precious little girl, no longer the baby I remember or held, turns three. A child who once called me Mama. A child to whom I am now a stranger.


Is it a cruel twist of fate or an act of God that I share a birthday with a child I loved with all my heart, shared my home and family with and then lost so absolutely when I had never even fathomed the completeness of her absence as a remote possibility? I don't know. I have a hard time wrapping my head around a God that would additionally torture me like this.

Three years ago on my birthday I received a phone call that a young, young mom I knew had a brand new baby girl. I remember I offerred a donation of baby goods to the young mom's mother. 6 weeks later that little baby would spend her first night in our home.




Then two years ago, on a cold January day, I celebrated my birthday by completely NOT celebrating MY birthday. A precious child I adored was turning one. I threw her two birthday parties that day because her grandmother and her mother couldn't be in the same room at the same time, and I wanted them both to share her special day with her. And her to share her day with them. And me to share my day with her.

All of us together, those that loved her most in the world celebrating the miracle that was this beautiful child that had brought us together, and would, ultimately, tear us apart. She and I the losers in a battle of possession.


Less than two weeks later I dressed her in a pink snow suit, over top of yellow ducky pajamas, I kissed her good-bye and she was gone from my life. Our lives. Forever. Unalterably. Gone. I didn't believe it then, or even realize it. But a week later I sent her clothes and her toys to her. I sobbed as her crib was taken down. It was a nightmare beyond my biggest imagination.

I was told she cried for me for weeks. Mama. Mama. Mama. And I cry still. Baby. Baby. Baby.


I've asked for answers from God, from friends, from family. Noone can tell me when it won't hurt quite so bad. Noone can tell me when I can face the idea of "celebrating" a day that will forever be tied to that one, joint birthday spent together. I remember how it felt when my heart wasn't broken in this way, I just can't fathom being that woman again. That mother again.


And so I forget my birthday and I choose to wish the baby girl I loved with my entire heart and soul, wherever she may be, whoever she may be with, a very happy birthday.


Happy Birthday Jazzy. She who was your "Mama" loves you very, very much.

A Passing Moment

Sunday, 1:27 pm January 4, 2009 was an exact moment that was symbolic of my life right now.

After a morning spent at the rink, then rushing to church, rushing back home to feed kids and put on a load of laundry, I was heading North on the highway with a van full of boys. Some my own, some friends, driving a son to a birthday party, where he could play hockey with his friends on an outdoor rink.

I passed a little silver car heading South.

In that car was my husband whom I hadn't seen since Thursday when he left town with a child of ours to head to a hockey tournament for four days. And now, without being able to stop in between, he was heading south, passing through our town, to pick up another son who had just finished another hockey game and needed a ride home from his coach's house.

We smiled, waved and kept driving. And for however frustrating it was at that moment, we laughed. These are crazy years. Busy, intense, crazy years of parenting active children. But I know, always, at the back of my mind, that in a few short years - certainly less than a decade - I will have nothing to do on a Sunday afternooon but stare across the couch at the same face I had been staring at all week. And maybe then I will miss hockey?

Things We Do For Our Kids #3457

At one point this fall I was fundraising for 3 classrooms and 5 hockey teams. Yes, cry with me now.

That meant I was simultaneously juggling catalogues for Chocolates, Calendars, Poinsettias, Christmas Wrapping Paper, Tulip Bulbs, Spices, Meat, Milk and Pizza. Oh, and cruise tickets.

It got to the point of humiliation and I couldn't remember which child was raising money for what project or what team or what trip. Send me a damn bill cause I don't want to sell over priced Christmas Cards that arrive on December 20Th and Tulip Bulbs, in the NORTH, in NOVEMBER? Yeah, not a hot seller there either.

Add the fact that our town, not so big! And the fund raising ideas? Not so unique. So that means if you have a child in this town, or know a child in this town, you've already been hit up for cash. My neighbours suddenly invested in "No Solicitation" signs. Friends refused to make eye contact. Family quit answering our calls. In other words, fundraising was a gigantic waste of time and energy and I finally broke down and cried to the hockey coordinator to just send me the bill, I would rather write a cheque. Yes, that cheque is completely rubber. But still ... someone save me from the hell that is fundraising!!

So as you can tell, my attitude about these fund raising efforts was neither positive nor overly enthusiastic and I might harbor some resentment. At least I did until New Year's Day.

Because on New Year's Day we WON the cruise that our second son was fundraising for. People are excited for us. And I am excited for us too, as long as I don't look at the numbers too closely as to what this "Free" cruise has cost us. We will just consider all those hockey trips, boxes of Christmas wrap, the dozen poinsettias currently dying in my living room, the three buckets of cookie dough in my freezer and the 17 cruise tickets I paid twenty bucks a piece for a forced vacation savings plan. And come spring? You will apparently find me and my beloved heading off into the sunset on a cruise ship back towards somewhere warm courtesy of our fellow hockey parents.

And in the mean time could I sell you some grocery gift cards? Maybe you would like some bulk frozen meat? Easter Gift Wrap? If you do, you know who to call, right?

Looking Back, Looking Ahead

I was tagged by Nicole over at her (very most excellent) blog, Living. And I am writing this in advance so I can sleep in, relax and basically vegetate on New Year's Day.

Directions: Copy and paste these directions and place them at the beginning of your post. Fill in the categories with your own answers. Tag three other people at the end of your post to complete this meme. Don’t forget to link back to the person who tagged you!



Three joyful things that happened to you in 2008:

1. I spent meaningful time with my Nan.
2. I survived hockey season 2007 - 2008
3. I got a job unexpectedly that I absolutely love.


Three things you learned in 2008:

1. That marriage takes alot of work, even an "easy" one.
2. That I was very ready to quit being a homeschooling mother.
3. That all those people who said "it" would get better with time were right. If better means more bearable that is.


Three things that made you laugh in 2008:

1. My crazy teenager with his snarky sense of humor.
2. My boys' antics on the trampoline together.
3. A good friend who can always make me laugh. Usually at myself. Doofus.

Three things that made you cry in 2008:

1. Hormones. Pretty much I am blaming them for all my tears.
2. Grief over past losses, grief over FEAR of future losses.
3. Watching Obama win.

Three things that made you smile in 2008:

1. My Family
2. My Friends
3. Diet Coke

Three things you will never forget about 2008:

1. Our trip to St. Louis
2. Hearing the sound of my husband screaming over his phone that he had gotten hurt in an motorcycle accident and to come help him.
3. My grandmother.


Three of your nicest memories from 2008:

1. My birthday.
2. Girls Nights Out. All of them! With all the girls.
3. Time with my sister. I really value our adult friendship

Three changes you made in 2008:

1. After 11 and a half years I went back to work.
2. Morning Coffee became the favorite part of my day
3. I started blogging


Three accomplishments you achieved in 2008:

1. I survived mentally and emotionally through some very tough times.
2. I am employed, and liking it.
3. Making choices to take care of me, more often at least.


Three things you are looking forward to in 2009:

1. "Big Medical Procedure" upcoming in the spring.
2. Being the mother of TWO teenagers.
3. My fifteenth wedding anniversary.

And so I tag ... Debi P at My Boys ... Our Lives, Andi at Today's The Day They Give Babies Away and Lea at Everything but the Kitchen Sink