I am a do'er. An administrator. A helper. A person who enjoys being busy. Need someone to organize a meeting? Write a brochure? Teach a class? Take over the social events for half a camp ground? I am HAPPY to do that.
What I am NOT is someone used to accepting help for myself. Although I am so grateful for the kindness and generosity of friends and family its hard to shake of the embarrassment of NEEDING help.
Somethings are easier to understand embarassment wise. My MOTHER bathed me. Twice. Why? Well it was either accept help or stay dirty, so help in the form of my mother was required. If you know me (or heck know my mother!) you know what a stretch this was.
But its also embarrsing to admit that my family is enjoying the food from the tables of others. Many others. My freezer is like a catalogue of casseroles as friends, co-workers, neighbours and virtual strangers drop off food to feed an army, and satisfy my sons. I am so grateful because the idea of being required to cook for the masses right now is exhausting, the reality would be worse. But still, I wish I could just DO IT.
A friend went grocery shopping for me yesterday. I ASKED her to. Its embarassing to admit that "we" are stretched too thin, but also wise to be honest. My pain levels are high, my energy levels are low. I had been back in the hospital with some minor, although painful, complications this weekend and I am tired, Shel is exhausted and we simply needed help.
Another friend spent a free morning helping with the house work. It's an impossibility for me to try to vacuum right now, and well, although very well intentioned, the men around here just don't SEE dirt the same way as me.
I called a counsellor to get help for a son that is struggling with all the stress. I am not enough to solely help him through this difficult time. He needs help, and I need help to help him.
Hopefully learning some humility, graciousness in expressing gratitude and a huge stack of thank you cards will pull me through until I can return the favor.
In the mean time I am going to go lay on the couch and practice doing nothing. It's far harder than it sounds!