Friday, May 1, 2009

Control

Warning: This is a ranting at God post. Easily offended Christians should, once again, not read. Today the burden seems too heavy and too wide.

The last two years have been an exercise in a lack of control.

First, a tiny little girl I loved with all my heart, and with whom I shared my home and family, was gone. No good-bye. No say. Just gone. My screaming into the heavens made no difference. It was something I couldn't fix or change. She was gone from our lives. Period. This pain almost cost me EVERYTHING. Everything I value, everything I hold dear was almost lost into the dark abyss of depression and grief and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't control it or ignore it.

Then my Nan left, or was taken, depending on your perspective, to a town way too far away. And there her days would end. No control. No amount of screaming, begging or pleading changed anything. She would get sick AWAY. Then she died. AWAY. No control, no say.

My kids? They grow up! That whole freezing time concept, stay little and be my babies? Strangely they don't listen. Birth Family. High School. New friends. Different Choices. Ultimately I can guide but I cannot control. And it's scary. My role is different and new and I am unsure of the way to be a mom to independent teens.

Then, of course, there is a cancer. The Doctors MUST be wrong. They must. My dad is MY DAD. Listen to me God ... LISTEN TO ME. That's MY DAD!!! Please God, no. Please, just please, no. But I have no control over this. None. I have to sit back and watch the pain and watch the struggle and just control the tears, because that is all that is left to control. And still they come, unheeded.

And me. ME? Surgery is now days away. I try to control the details. What the boys will eat, who will watch them while I am gone. Where I will stay, when I will return home. But I can't control that tumor. I can't control the results of the pathology. I can't control the length of recovery. I can't control the reality that I have cancer too. I can't control if it will return. Or when. And I am scared and don't want to be, but it seems I can't even control my fear.

And now we come full circle, because the precious baby girl's life is falling apart, again, today. I know this, but I cannot share the details other than asking, BEGGING, you to pray. But I cannot DO anything to help her other than once again scream into the heavens for an innocent child who is paying a price too high for the grown ups issues. I am angry, and there is no point because there is nothing I can do.

If God is in control, then why? Why this pain? Why this loss? What's the point? Why should my boys go through the fear of losing another mother? Why should an innocent little girl suffer in uninmaginable, unnecessary ways when there are other options? When there were a million other options that would have spared her this agony.

I am out of control.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so srry Jen. YOu will get rhough this, I promise, somehow some way.

Jenna said...

I don't have answers. But I've been there in my own ways.

I pray that God is with that little girl. And with all of you. Now.

Lorraine said...

I just came here from a post of yours on adoption.com, I know I have seen you around there a lot. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you.

katiemae said...

Jen will be praying for this littlI e girl and you & your family. It is so hard when all we can do is watch what is happening to these little ones. You gave this little one a strong base and that will help her through this...

Katrina

dinnae said...

nothing i can say except: (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

ManyBlessings said...

Sometimes I think the hardest part of life is the "not knowing". We don't know and we don't understand.

But that's what faith is. Believing in a God who is good, even when the entire world around us is bad, filthy, putrid, evil, and out of control.

And some day, He will rid this world of all that ugliness once and for all. There are days I long for that Heaven. To see the evil made right.

But for now, our job is to be here. To live in this chaotic and very painful life.

To laugh.

And to cry.

Praying for you dear girl.

This is a hard road you've been asked to walk.

dawn