Monday, March 15, 2010

Hard Reminder Days

I have talked and talked on here about the last first birthday party I threw. 

And now I have to plan another. 

And fate would have it that it is just days before we stand before a judge and hear our future. 

And my every cell screams at me that I could lose her too, right after her first birthday.

Just like I lost another before.

Right after her first birthday.

And it's really, really hard.

I remind myself to breath.  To smile.  To get through the day. 

To celebrate the life of this child I love with all my heart.

I want to scream and wail and cry. 

Instead I will order cupcakes and string up balloons. 

And I will share the day with another mother who is on the brink of losing her daughter.

Right after her first birthday. 

One baby. 

Two mothers.

One birthday.

10 comments:

birthmothertalks said...

I wish I knew what to say. Sounds like someone is going to end up on the losing end. I hope what is best for the baby happens. Enjoy the party.

Di said...

Sigh.. hearts ache, tears flow... Praying for you.. for ALL your kids and for the other mom. And for your special caring Momma heart!

Jensboys said...

Thanks guys. It will be ok. Just a hard, rattly day today.

What matters most is babe is loved. BOTH babes :)

Mark said...

Hope all is well with you today and that 24 hours made a difference in your mood. Take care, m.

Jensboys said...

Mark yes it did thanks. I was able to set some parameters around the day that provide what everyone needs, yet still supports the family here. Most importantly baby is happy :)

Holly Daly said...

I just want to thank you for your vulnerability and honesty on your blog. I tried it for awhile with my indiancorn blog and got burned and burned out and haven't picked myself up enough to start again. But you inspire me.
And I pray you are able to feel God's presence during these next weeks.

Jensboys said...

Holly -

I suppose people could bash me (and I have had my fair share off the blog and on a couple other boards) but honestly, I KNOW my heart, and my actions. I know what I have done and the reality of our situation. I use this place to share my FEELINGS ... and I know my "feelings" might not be PC but this is MY PLACE and I figure I get to say how I feel without much filter. Yes, I do filter some ... mostly because too many people I know IRL read here :) (hi locals). BUT at the same time, I get enough emails from people who feel some of the the same things that I keep going.

I totally wish I had a place where I could vent and process (out loud is how I tend to process everything in life :) ) our current situation, but I cant yet. One day hopefully I can share the ins and outs of this part of our journey and how we so unexpectedly ended up in THIS spot.

and I miss your old blog :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen,
just wanted to pop up here and introduce myself, i dont remember how i came across your blog ( maybe from corey's blog?) but i just have to say how very impressed i am with what you have written about you and your family. the world needs more warm hearts like you.
Heidi
ps. hope you were able to enjoy some peace and all the love on your daughter's birthday.

ohh and i cant, for the life of me figure out the google account thingy so i just went with anonymous

Regina said...

Ah just hugs Jen. What can you do but just keep going, yanno?

There is a place, we just haven't all been there in a while. Remember? Yahoo group? :)

votemom said...

i can't even imagine....