Why Blog?

Treading that fine line between being a fun, but rather boring mommy blogger that discusses my cute kid antics and my big kid hockey successes and being an Adoption Blogger that talks about the reality of parenting children in a complicated world with complicated issues is something I face every time I log in. 

There is a part of me that wishes I was more anonymous because it is impossible for me now to write about some of the more difficult parts of our journey because of the necessity of protecting my children, and our family in this community of readers from judgement, or worse, pity.  There are too many friends, family members, teachers and peers that read and so I choose to edit myself.

I could share about endless missed visits, ignored letters and of my anger and frustration of children not deemed important enough to make an effort to know.  I could talk of a normally stoic child clutching a photo of a birth parent while sobbing hysterically over the reality of how abandonment by the one person in the world who is supposed to love you forever really feels, and how it feels to be the other mother of the same child.  I could talk about how awful bullying is and how awful it is to be the parent of the bully and at the same time understand your child is doing the best they can due to no fault of their own.  I could talk about crazy reactions to medications, and how to advocate for your child with doctors and teachers and therapists.  I could talk about screaming fits that make you wonder if the neighbours are going to call the police this time, or wait until your child actually breaks a window.  I could talk about violence and aggression inflicted on a parent or a smaller sibling by a child whose brain has been affected by the choices of their birth parent.  I could talk about typical teenage parenting issues amplified by kids with extraordinary experiences.  I could talk about watching for developmental delays praying that the inevitable diagnosis might just be wished away. 

I could, but I can't because I am not brave enough.

However there is a need for writers courageous enough to share the reality of parenting extraordinary children honestly and with courage.  They are needed because those of us living this need that support.  We need to know that we are not alone in this journey.  That our children, however exceptional, are normal in their experience.  We need resources and ideas, concern and friendship that these brave bloggers provide through their community of sharing.

One such writer is my friend Rachel (aka Tudu / Tudusamom).  I have known Rachel for several years now through the adoption writer community.  She has been a friend, a support and an educator.  We exchange Christmas cards and frequent emails and sometimes long distance phone calls.  She honestly shared the traumatic, harsh, horrid and amazing reality of parenting a large sibling group of special needs, formerly sexually abused, mentally ill and very, very loved children on her blog.  I listed her blog on my own blog several months ago as one of my all time favorites.  

I would link it again but I can't.  I can't because she was forced to sign an affidavit promising to stop blogging all together by a social worker and a Department of Family Services that decided that her blogging placed her children in "imminent danger".  That apparently talking about the reality of parenting special needs children, including the good, the bad and the really, really ugly, is not allowed in the state of Georgia.  And because Rachel has written a public, and completely truthful account of life with special needs, and very difficult children, this same social worker is now attempting to remove the children from their home and family.  The same home and family that has worked endlessly and tirelessly and for years to help their children heal and move beyond the trauma of the abuse they suffered while in the care of their family or origin and in the care of this same DFS  system.

You can read more of this saga here.  If you have benefited from Rachel's writings I would encourage you to reach out to support her, and her children during this awful time.  Even if you would never blog yourself as honestly and as bluntly has she has, her children, without a doubt, cannot handle the trauma that DFS is trying to inflict on them this time.   Their recovery, as much as it is, is because of her skill and efforts as a mother.  I am a better mother because Rachel shared her journey and now she needs my support, and I am honored to provide it.

Awards

An amazing mom in her own right, J at Stellarparenting

gave me this award.

And my amazing friend Coco from Mommyhoodandlife recently gave me this award.

These are pretty much the rules for the awards, and I am a really lousy rule follower when it comes to things like this, so if I nominate you, please feel free to ignore the rules yourself, and just know that I really, really like your blogs and think some of my readers would enjoy them as well.

1) Post the award on your blog


2) Link to the person who sent it to you

3) Pass it on to some fellow bloggers who inspire you.

So, if you are interested in reading some blogs, adoption or otherwise, these are some of my favorites:

Both of the women who nominated me are a great place to start.  Stellarparenting is dealing with the realities of older child adoption on a daily basis.  It's tough, it's honest and it's completely anonymous which means she can share more than I can.  Go check her out.

Coco is my long time Internet Buddy.  She writes about life, parenting, addiction, adoption, and some incredible stories of a life well lived.  She will suck you into her world, and you will be better for it. 
Thanksgiving Mom also is so worth the read.  Her writing about her daughter, relinquished at birth, her complicated open adoption and her life is as beautiful and as heartfelt as she is.  I had the privilege of meeting her in person this spring during our trip to the Land Far Away and she is more gorgeous than you can imagine.   Now when I just went to her blog to nominate her for this award, I see she also nominated me again.  Honestly, it's just a giant mutual love fest.
 
WithlovefromSumy is a blog written by someone I am pretty sure doesn't know I exist, but the heartbreaking story of her beautiful son adopted from Russia whose mental health issues have resulted in her need to place him in a facility that can better help him will teach you so much.  You want to know what can happen when you adopt an older child?  Go read there.
 
Corey at Watchingthewaters is amazing.  Her honest, horrible, daily life with Reactive Attachment Disorder will open your eyes and break your heart.  She also has a fabulous network to support other moms parenting complicated kids.  Go read her. 
 
Jon and Patty from Xangelle are friends of mine from high school.  And their oldest daughter was diagnosed with cancer a month and a half ago just days before Patty delivered their fifth child.  For an inspiring story of faith, love, parenting, go read their blog. 
 
If you are considering a sibling group adoption both  Tudu and Cindy will scare the crap out of you, teach you, break your hearts and you will be a better adoptive parent for it. 
 
You want to be informed about some of the daily issues Native Americans face?  Go read here 
 
This is by no means a comprehensive list and already I am thinking of all those that I want to recommend and maybe, one day soon, I will suggest you read some more. 

Messing Around

For those that like change, enjoy.

For those that don't, I am sorry but the previous blog format had GLITCHES. Glitches that affected paragraph formatting every time I uploaded a picture.

And I have pictures. What I don't have is time to mess around with formatting. So you ended up with paragraphs with no spaces, or 13 spaces between each paragraph and overall it was generally annoying.

I know everyone that reads on google reader has no idea what I am talking about, but if you want to check out the new 2009 upside down picture of my sons, read at the actual blog.

Thanks for putting up with me messing around. If anyone has any ideas on how to have a BETTER blog, I would love to hear them.

At a loss of words

Seriously I have a GREAT post stewing about my experience at a card store last week and having racism slap me silly across the face. And THEN what happened when I went back the next day. Really, its coming. When I calm down.

And you know, I am almost COMPLETELY ready for Christmas, and if you are on the card list, they are already IN THE MAIL. And that would make a great post, because last year, I completely and totally had zero Spirit and the whole dam season was crap. That would make a great blog post.

And you know my mother? If you see her, could you send her to a shrink. PLEASE. Her life might actually depend on it. And no, I am not exaggerating.

Then there was that Hockey Scout who approached my dad's wife to ask about Greg and said "What is he?". My very smart stepmom replied "A right wing" (that's a hockey position not a political position in our family). Gotta love it when your extended family jumps on the racism aware bandwagon.

But you know ... blech. Its December, its freaking freezing cold and life is crazy busy. You don't care about any of that stuff and I don't feel like writing about it. So instead ... I take the bloggers easy way out and thrill you with some of my favorite old pictures.

Caden. Can you say I got pox?

The Princess and I. Not long before she was gone. I miss her now, at this time of year, so very, very much.

I miss being that Jen. I was happy then. I am changed.

Greg. Back when he wasn't too cool to be goofy.

And the first time I saw my sons' face. Sitting on the edge of the tub, giving baby Tanner a scrub down and my husband walked in with the mail. Our referrals.

19001 Reasons are all in the Details Baby

Thank You. Thank you for the comments, for the emails, for the facebook messages, for the IRL moments when someone I had no idea was reading here lets me know they are.

I cannot believe that 19000 and one hits later people still bother coming back. People from all over. People from small towns across Canada and the USA that I have never even heard of. People from countries I wasn't really sure had the Internet yet. People with a connection to adoption. People with no connection to adoption. Friends. Family. Strangers. Heck, I even have a crazy stalker or two.

Fair warning, nothing I say is really all that interesting. I am not really that funny nor do I have any great insight. Of course, my kids ARE quite extraordinary, but I am their mom and I am supposed to think that.

I ramble. I offer stories of my life and of my family. Thank you for reading. Thank you for coming back to read some more.

Back to regularly scheduled ramblings.

We are told, as parents, that our children process important life facts at every stage of development. We might explain adoption to our two year old, but explain again in greater detail when they are five, and the conversation continues when they are 9, 11, 13, 16 as their understanding and maturity continues.

Our youngest son experienced a season of great grief this spring over the loss of Baby J. Just when the rest of us were pulling ourselves together (finally!), he was crying daily over her. Missing her. Talking about her. 17 months after she had moved on, he was in the depths of horrible grief and it made little sense to me.

In a brilliant parenting moment (DUH!) I realized that the understanding of a 7 year old was very different than the understanding of a 5 year old and he needed to understand NOW why she was gone THEN. We had a conversation explaining the details of the experience again, and we realized the depth of his misunderstandings and confusion over the experience. His new maturity made the details not make sense and he needed to re-hear them in order to make sense of what he had gone through. Once he did, his grief and fear resolved (at least for now).

Last night I had a similar conversation with my oldest son. Out of the blue he asked about his biological father's incarceration. We have told him the details of it before, in fact many times we have talked about it. We have even visited him at the prison this year and Greg asked him then directly.

But again, seemingly out of the blue after not mentioning it in months, he wanted to know the reasons, the length of sentence, the long term consequences. This time I shared more details, as I know them, of why he ended up in jail this time. He wanted to know, and let me discuss with him, the original reasons why his first father chose, or fell into, a life of crime. We were able to talk about poverty, addiction, teenage pregnancy, gangs, absent fathers and how that affects children. I was thankful for the conversation we had had last summer in prison when his father looked into his eyes and encouraged Greg to make different choices.

And I am thankful I have had the courage to share with my kids, no matter what situation, the honest truth. Its not easy to explain to a child, especially a young child, that the person whose name they share and the person whom they most resemble in the world made some horrible choices that affected many other people. Its not easy to balance that with establishing a relationship based on respect and love for that very person. Its not easy to explain to a grieving child that there are some things in life even mommy can't fix.

BUT it would have been far, far worse to lie.

Honesty in age appropriate doses, even about difficult details, has been our key. I am thankful somewhere along the line, I realized that protecting my kids from the hard stuff would do them no good in the long run.

When Family and Blogging Collide

I have some posts written, and on hold, as I try to find the words to write here. Adoption Diary posts to come, as soon as I get this out of the way.

Ok, so yes, I realize I have readers.

And the majority of those readers don't know me in real life.

And more importantly you don't know my extended family in real life.

You don't talk with my dad, or run into my mom, chat with my sister, visit my grandparents, or see my very large arrangement of aunts, uncles and cousins at family functions. You don't visit with Shel's side or pass on messages to his parents.

But some of you do.

It's to you, my much loved family, that I address this post. First off, thank you for reading. For having an interest in my family, and by extension a small part of your family, and our lives, our adoption journey and of course, my sons.

Secondly, there is a certain safety in sharing deep parts of your heart and journey with strangers. Strangers who aren't going to recount your story to anyone that is affected by it. Its scary sharing when you know that some of your story may make its way back to people you love and cause them pain.

I have a wonderful, large extended family of whom I am very proud to be a part of. We are found in every corner of this province, and really across the continent. We have an incredible history in Canada that goes back centuries on both sides. And they love me, and I love them. We are part of each other.

So, to my family and close friends that read this little blog, and especially the Adoption Diary posts to come, I ask for your understanding. I will be sharing my heart, my story and mostly MY PERSPECTIVE. Please don't think I am discounting other perspectives of this portion of my life, but this is my time to share. I am not ashamed of what I write, but I also don't want it turned into fodder for family gossip.

I am happy to share with people who chose to READ here but the quandary comes when our story is shared and passed along with those that have chosen not to. Parts of my blog have come back to me, and not once but now many times, through the family grapevine.

The story has changed, been distorted and altered to the point of being completely false.

Our parents know about this blog, but they choose, for whatever reasons, not to read it. Heck they are our PARENTS, what do they need a blog to know whats going on in our lives for?

However, now we have gotten panicked phone calls from 3 out of 4 of our parents in the last month because someone took portions of the information I post here and passed it on to another loved one, and someone else passed it on, and then again someone else passed it on until it made its way back to us as a completely different story. Often much worse. Often more serious. Often scary.

The parents have been informed - if its important, we will tell you ourselves. Don't worry, no pertinent information on the kids or our family is put here without first being shared with those that need to know.

So dear family members, I am glad you read. I am glad parts of my story, our story, has touched you to the point that you have wanted to share it with others. But be aware in the very normal family way that these stories, when shared, morph and change.

If you have a question, ask me. If you have a different perspective, tell me. If you don't understand what I have written, or will write, in the days ahead, check in with me. But PLEASE don't ask my dad, or call Shel's mom, or email cousin so and so who hasn't seen me in two decades to ask what she thinks. And actually, its none of my READERS that have done this ... its everyone else that hears about the life I share on the blog that seems to.

I hope you understand the spirit in which I write this. Its with love, humor, gratitude and a bit of fear that anything I write here can hurt those I cherish.

Enjoy your weekend. I sure am!