Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Various Forms of Heartbreak

Today while hauling out suitcases from the back of the closet under the stairs I found a bag of girls clothes. Clothes that were the hardest for me to look at after Baby J left because they had the most memories attached to them and so I had stuck them in the farthest corner of the house. Clothes I couldn't bear to part with, but also couldn't bear to see. And suddenly, there they were.

As I pulled them out, Caden stood beside me. Suddenly, once again, he let out a wail of grief and collapsed into my arms. For the next hour I held my son as he sobbed for the little girl that was once his sister, in his heart if not legally. His grief has never disappeared and today he said over and over "I just miss her mommy, I just really miss HER". He loves the new babies, but they are not HER. She is the missing . Her absence is ever present, and my son still grieves two and a half years after she left. He never got to say goodbye, and for a moment I considered calling the woman who broke his heart and begging her to let Caden see Baby J, if only for a moment. I know its pointless, and would never work. I cannot fix this. I cannot take his pain away, I can just hold him and wipe his tears and thank God for his gentle heart that still loves so deeply.

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I am frustrated today. Frustrated with cancelled visits and babies not valued as they should be. I am frustrated with those that would call me an "adoptress" or "baby-stealer", mock me or my kids in a grocery line up or make fun of us on an online board just because I am part of a visible adoptive family, yet would never do anything to actually preserve a family themselves, and have no idea the effort, heartbreak and work I, and others like me, have done for the very efforts they value. Judge me and every other adoptive parent, mock, tear apart and deride adoption, but don't bother actually DOING anything to preserve families. How many kids have YOU fostered? How many parents are YOU mentoring? How many kids do YOU sponsor to stay in the the countries of their birth? The adoptive parents I know do all that and much more, understanding the cost in adoption to children and their families of origin. They fund raise, they sponsor, they support, they foster, they love, they give, they understand, they also grieve. They get it. Yeah, there are some pretty crappy adoptive parents, but you know what, there are some pretty crappy people everywhere in life and attacking and instantly someone based on appearance is PREJUDICE! Plain and simple, prejudice. And I hate it and I hate that its ok to people who should know better.

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I left for a two hour meeting at my job this morning as Miss Curious sobbed. I do not make a good working mother. I never have, and I never will. I want to be WITH my kids, biological, adoptive or foster. To my heart it makes no difference. And I fully realize that working this fall, and trying to find daycare for the girls, is going break my heart every single day.

So today I took a part time position at school. A position I did NOT want a mere six weeks ago, but now can't even imagine working that much. In fact, I am praying HARD that Shel gets a good, good, good job before then so that I can stay home. I want to stay home with the babies. They need me to. Attachment comes first. Right?

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I am waiting, with a massive pit in my stomach, for test results. Not for me, but life changing none the less. I can barely breath. One phone call. One test result. Life or Death. And we wait. My heart does not want to break again.

5 comments:

Tudu said...

I am thinking of your family and hoping for great test results soon.

Lynn S. said...

Thinking of all of you, Jen. Heavy words, much on your mind. Thanks for trusting us to hear it.
Hugs!

birthmothertalks said...

I will be thinking of you. I hope everything will be okay.

ManyBlessings said...

Hey Jen...praying for you in all these. I am sad for your sweet little girl that is gone, I wanted to stand up and applause your rant on others talking about us adoptive parents, your heart beats with mine regarding being home so praying for you on that one, and praying that the stress of the wait for the results is OVER soon.

There with ya girl.
dawn

Kristie said...

Jen, tears well in my eyes whenever I read your blogs. What I am about to say, please take in the heart it's meant to be said. First off, NOTHING anyone can say or do will ever minimze the pain that you and your family feel over losing her and I am NOT attmepting to do so by any means. I honour yoru pain and your greif over losing her.

I am a little in awe though as to how God brought you two beautiful ones. I know they will not, can not and should not replace her. Nothing ever will and nothing ever should for that would dishonor her. But I think of how God likes to bless and bless abundantly and how he likes to restore and give more for losses we suffer and that stands out to me.

Thank you for being authentic and for trusting us with your heart.