The Girls - An Un-Update

Alas,  that which appears to be final is in fact never final.  And in fact "final" might be simply a word to express a several year long process with no end in sight.    Honestly, I knew this.  I have many friends who are foster parents.  I have fostered before.  NOTHING is simple with the foster care system.   I hoped that some sort of finality would be reached with minimal trauma and drama but it appears that is not the case, yet.  So we wait and parent and snuggle and squeeze and love every single minute with the babes.

And we remember that this is a process.  A long and drawn out process. 

And in the middle of it are the 2 reasons that make every worry, every nightmare, every dream worth it. 

Miss Curious is astounding us in her growth and development.  My (almost) "TAWOOO" year old  babbles incessantly and picks up new words and phrases every day.  "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!  OOK ME!" being the most frequently used. She snuggles and laughs and follows the boys around begging them to play with her.  She escapes the house every chance she gets because there is nothing better than playing in the icey remnants of winter in your bare feet.  She is making friends now, remembering frequent visitors and squeeling their names with delight when they walk up the driveway. 

Miss Tiny is a  tank. A cruising, twenty four pound demolition machine following in the steps of her sister.  She has three teeth.  She now says MOM and DAD and BA and UP and NA.  All of those frequently at 2:30 in the morning.  She is still not sleeping through the night with any consistency and my eye balls are about to fall out of my head from exhaustion.  But oh she is happy.  Joy eminates from every pore of this angel baby and sleep or no sleep, it is impossible not to spend long hours every day gnawing on her ample cheeks.   

I have spent much time lately focusing on my own feelings as we go through this process and face the unknowns with these precious babies we adore.  I remind myself that so many of my thoughts are a reaction and a response to  prior loss, not this experience with these children and this family and this system.  I remind myself that God loves those babies too.  I remind myself to remain in the moment and to cherish this time that I have been entrusted with. I hope that time is the rest of my life, but I respect the fact it might not be. 

At my most honest, I admit I ache for a definite answer.  I want to go to bed and not wake up in a cold sweat dreaming of handing over two sobbing children.  I am human and I want to run from pain - theirs, mine and the rest of my family's.  And yes, even the pain of those who are unable to be who they wished they could be burdens me.  And so I know that if this process, this time, brings healing and wholeness to their family of birth, I will choose to celebrate that, even as my own heart will shatter.  Shatter not at their healing, but at my loss.

What I will not celebrate is a system that could destroy us all.   Because at the end of this journey I would hope at least some of us are left are left whole, and hopefully all in tact

And so that is as much of an update as I can give and still respect the privacy of all.  Know that the girls are here.  Know that the girls are loved immensely by many.  Know that there is a system full of quirks to navigate.  Know that we covet your prayers for all involved.