Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Girls - An Un-Update

Alas,  that which appears to be final is in fact never final.  And in fact "final" might be simply a word to express a several year long process with no end in sight.    Honestly, I knew this.  I have many friends who are foster parents.  I have fostered before.  NOTHING is simple with the foster care system.   I hoped that some sort of finality would be reached with minimal trauma and drama but it appears that is not the case, yet.  So we wait and parent and snuggle and squeeze and love every single minute with the babes.

And we remember that this is a process.  A long and drawn out process. 

And in the middle of it are the 2 reasons that make every worry, every nightmare, every dream worth it. 

Miss Curious is astounding us in her growth and development.  My (almost) "TAWOOO" year old  babbles incessantly and picks up new words and phrases every day.  "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!  OOK ME!" being the most frequently used. She snuggles and laughs and follows the boys around begging them to play with her.  She escapes the house every chance she gets because there is nothing better than playing in the icey remnants of winter in your bare feet.  She is making friends now, remembering frequent visitors and squeeling their names with delight when they walk up the driveway. 

Miss Tiny is a  tank. A cruising, twenty four pound demolition machine following in the steps of her sister.  She has three teeth.  She now says MOM and DAD and BA and UP and NA.  All of those frequently at 2:30 in the morning.  She is still not sleeping through the night with any consistency and my eye balls are about to fall out of my head from exhaustion.  But oh she is happy.  Joy eminates from every pore of this angel baby and sleep or no sleep, it is impossible not to spend long hours every day gnawing on her ample cheeks.   

I have spent much time lately focusing on my own feelings as we go through this process and face the unknowns with these precious babies we adore.  I remind myself that so many of my thoughts are a reaction and a response to  prior loss, not this experience with these children and this family and this system.  I remind myself that God loves those babies too.  I remind myself to remain in the moment and to cherish this time that I have been entrusted with. I hope that time is the rest of my life, but I respect the fact it might not be. 

At my most honest, I admit I ache for a definite answer.  I want to go to bed and not wake up in a cold sweat dreaming of handing over two sobbing children.  I am human and I want to run from pain - theirs, mine and the rest of my family's.  And yes, even the pain of those who are unable to be who they wished they could be burdens me.  And so I know that if this process, this time, brings healing and wholeness to their family of birth, I will choose to celebrate that, even as my own heart will shatter.  Shatter not at their healing, but at my loss.

What I will not celebrate is a system that could destroy us all.   Because at the end of this journey I would hope at least some of us are left are left whole, and hopefully all in tact

And so that is as much of an update as I can give and still respect the privacy of all.  Know that the girls are here.  Know that the girls are loved immensely by many.  Know that there is a system full of quirks to navigate.  Know that we covet your prayers for all involved.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

(((hugs))) God bless you all!

Maria (TDKOL)

onemorebaby said...

I feel for you, and know to well the stuff of which you write about! Love those girls, like I know you do... since that is all we can do...Hugs, ag

Caryn said...

You are such an amazing woman Jen. I can hardly bear knowing your future is so uncertain, I hate that you have to live it longer than you had hoped. As always, my thoughts are with your beautiful family and I will continue to pray for strength as your life continues in the strange foster care limbo. It's a reminder to be grateful for my girls everyday and yet also a reminder of the unbearable loss we experienced in the process and the potential losses that so many of our friends could experience at a moments notice. Like you I will never celebrate this damaged system, but do celebrate the families willing to open their homes and undergoing the process for these precious children. God bless you Jen. Many hugs. Caryn

rachel said...

My heart aches for you and all us other foster moms. I am in a very similiar position with my two babies. I dread the ups and downs of the coming year.

Shelley said...

Jenn,

I have been reading your blog for a while now and you are really an inspiration for me. I am a new foster parent and am facing losing my 5 month old foster son on Wednesday. I simply can't fathom never seeing him again and I really needed to hear your words tonight about living in the moment and cherishing the time we are entrusted with the children,so thank you. I will pray for you and your girls...please pray for me and my little baby A.

Shelley in Fl

Jensboys said...

thanks to you all.

Shelley - my prior losses were some of the worst experiences of my life. I will think of you and pray for you all.

Shari said...

God bless you ...thanks for putting into words the way it is to foster...the incredible love we have for these kids...the rollercoaster of will they be able to stay?...the heart break of loss we see in their birth families...the joy we feel as they grow & change...all of it & more.
As I greived the loss of one of our foster daughters...God just touched my heart & said He'd look after her...but oh it was hard to just trust...15 mo later she came back to stay.

Moonspun said...

I am amazed by you. And that is a lovely picture!

Kellie said...

My heart aches for you. My husband and I went through all the foster training and homestudy, etc and I kept thinking "I don't know if I can do this. I don't think I can attach to a child and then let them go." My story is take a different turn... We get a newborn, who we adopt and now have a 15 year old, who we WILL end up adopting. No doubt there. My heart does ache for you and other families who are under the legal thumbs of the "system". Such an unknown..... Is it possible to love too much?? no way. However, I heard something this weekend that basically expressed that all of these children are NOT ours. We do not own them. We guide them. We are vessels. Hopefully, they will be productive members of society, or at the very least make someone smile at the end of the day.
Peace to you and your beautiful family....

Kellie (KJ)

p.s. connected here from watching the waters. <3