Monday, February 23, 2009

A Perfect Moment Monday

Our lives in the early months after adopting our sons were very, very full. I was suddenly the stay at home mom of 3 boys, ages 2, 3 and 4. My husband worked shift work and took our only vehicle with him every day. We lived 20 minutes out of town and had no family to rely on within a 5 hour drive.

Grief, attachment, bonding, mis-behavior, depression, cuddles, laundry, hugs, kisses, preschool and therapy appointments filled every moment of every day . What I didn't have time for was a necessary doctor's appointment for me. It was the biggest and absolutely best mistake of my life.

And so 9 months after our family added 2 sons, and the day before my husband was scheduled to have a vasectomy, I discovered I was pregnant and 15 weeks after that, I found out I would be having another son. I am not the person who "glows" when she is pregnant. I am the person who pukes - for nine months. I am diabetic and hypertensive and sore and did I mention the puking yet?

3 preschoolers, 2 needing me available and in tune at a far deeper level than most children need their parents, and a puking, pregnant, stuck in the middle of nowhere mother. Despite the absolute wonder of a new life joining our family, some days were hard.

And in the midst of the preparation for another new son, I worried. All the adoption books I had read advising about not adding more children too soon. The possible issues with biological and adoptive siblings flooded my mind. I worried about how Greg and Eric would feel. I worried that they think they weren't good enough so that we had gone ahead and had another biological child. I worried that others would think that. I worried that they were worrying that their place in our family would change with the arrival of a new child. I worried how I would cope with their needs and the demands of a new baby. I worried if they would be able to love another new brother.

I needn't have worried. My perfect moment memory is this picture of the boys meeting their baby brother for the first time, and the awe and love that overwhelmed them all.

Caden knit our family together in ways I couldn't imagine. He was "OURS". "He is all of ours from the very beginning", as Greg so eloquently explained to me one night. The one family member that had no transition issues, no "before" to process. Caden was simply born into our family the way it was. It was healing and amazing and Caden has brought us nothing but joy and many, many perfect moments since that day.

I am so thankful that God knew better than we did what our family needed. Caden was never a "mistake" and has always, always been a miracle.


Lori Lavender Luz said...

What a beautiful story about knitting together a family, and of how tightly bound yours is.

Love it.

Vanessa said...

What a sweet story!! Thanks for sharing a little piece of your family with us!

Kristin said...

What a beautiful story!

Martha@A Sense of Humor is Essential said...

This is so beautiful and the pictures of your boys, just wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
Visiting from Lori's blog, hello from Los Angeles!

Unknown said...

What a beautiful post, Jen. And what a beautiful family you have.

Anonymous said...

I often times think I'm walking behind you in your footsteps... I had all the same problems with my pregnancy and all the same worries, but Leo has been/is exactly what Caden has been. In fact, I've used the same language... that he knit us together. And I think, if Miss A could express her feelings, she would say just what Greg did. It's amazing the leap forward we saw with trust, attachment, a sense of belonging...

I've been wanting to catch up with you for so long, but am in the middle of the craziness and just can't figure out how to fit in the time to write everything out. There is so much I want to ask you... PTSD/prenatal exposure affect/attachment questions, how to deal with some mom/dad/sibling issues that we have to a kid who it REALLY matters to, some grief stuff...just so much. In the meantime though, your family is always in my thoughts!

Take care Jen,

Jo said...

Oh! Thank you so much for posting this. My husband and I adopted a toddler that is post-institutionalized and has lots of needs. Then I turned up preggo. And the sickness just won't stop! We worry about it all too. Glad to see the light at the end of the tunnel.